Elizabeth M. Johnson

Well, if you are a woman, Leslie Bennetts might say that leaving your career-not working part-time- but actually ending the relationship with those at your place of business might have been the biggest mistake that you have made. No, she doesn’t know you but she knows your symptoms and your precarious future. Bennetts knows more about your situation as a full-time mom who doesn’t work outside the home than you’d think.

Bennetts, the author of one of my new favorite books The Feminine Mistake, makes an airtight case against not dropping out of the workforce entirely post-children. I first came across the book when I noticed one of the women in my Research Methods class with it. I picked it up and scanned it quickly. As a Confidence Coach who deals exclusively with women on all issues related to self-esteem, i.e. everything in their life as they know it, I often encounter women who apparently “have it all” but still feel an elusive sense of something missing. Most of the time, these women are moms.

In the months since I picked up the book, The Feminine Mistake has been mentioned in major media including Fast Company and Newsweek and The New Yorker. There is hardly consensus but I think that one of the most important pieces of the question is that it is being talked about: are women putting themselves at risk when they decide to opt-out of the career life completely? Unquestionably in my mind, the answer is “yes”.
Who gets the raw end of the deal when the couple decides to divorce or to put it in a more ugly reality, when the husband decides that he no longer wants to be married, much to his wife’s surprise and dismay? The woman does. Who is more likely to encounter ageism and/or sexism when they finally decide that they do want to go back to work? The woman will. Who is endangering her future salary, financial independence and marketability when she decides to stay home with the kids full-time? The woman is. Who is giving away their power and control in a marriage when they stop earning their own money? Usually the woman although this could be odd Mr. Mom dad too. Who is damaging her sense of self and potential for life satisfaction when she stops working entirely? A woman is. Well, that last one can apply to men as well. As we learn in Uncommon Confidence, we must have our self-esteem in different baskets in order to be balanced and fulfilled. One basket is work, one is home, one is community, one is as a partner, one is as a member of ______, etc.

In dealing with moms, I often bring them back to their kids as a reality check, “What is your daughter learning by seeing you completely dependent on the men (perhaps dad and/or husband) in your life?”. This is usually helpful. Because, in essence, what kind of message are women sending to their daughters when they rely exclusively on someone else’s money to support, feed and clothe them in spite of the fact that they have had a good, if not excellent, education and are fully capable of working? Not a very good one.

I think the strongest (and perhaps the least obvious) theme in the book is that you can work and have a family too (my mom did and I certainly intend to) if, and this is a biggie, you get rid of your sense of “perfect“. Moms especially have this philosophy of perfectionism that not only gets in their way of feeling satisfied about pretty much anything but prevents them from attempting to try something that won’t ever be an exact science. As a result, they feel powerless, unsatisfied and often joyless. Women are conditioned, often initially by their families and then later by other influences like school, media and television, to be perfect. Perfect is not a good goal; in fact, it’s pretty much the worst goal that you can set for yourself. Goaling for perfect sets you up for continual disappointment, failure, exhaustion and unhappiness. Yum.

Morphing the joys of motherhood with work that brings you money and independence of your own while providing for a safer, more secure future is essential for your self-esteem. It’s possible to do both. No, it won’t be perfect but it also won’t be the biggest mistake you ever made.

Who can you give a copy of The Feminine Mistake to?