Elizabeth M. Johnson

In a recent workshop, one of the participants wrote to me that she had experienced a great deal of “Aha!” moments over our weeks together but had recently realized she had only been skimming the surface, looking at the easy things. Sound familiar?

She continued in her email that this revelation had created a desire in her to work harder, look deeper, ask for more from herself. It’s not an easy thing to admit that you have been doing the easy work, especially when, after working with me, you know the hard stuff is where the real growth and confidence truly resides. Sometimes we look at easy because it is a default, kind of like using the same weights at the gym. We know we can do it, it’s pretty much second nature so we keep it up. The problem with this, of course, is that your muscles grow bored and you don’t lose any more weight/get stronger/ realize what you really can lift. Can you imagine if you were still doing Explode the Code workbooks instead of graduating to Nancy Drew? It’s the same with looking at easy in your life, too.

Create a little rumble in your own life by asking yourself if you, too, are looking at easy, skimming the surface. How to tell? One way is to look at the issues that surface. Are they same-old, same-old or is there something else going on there? Is is just bad communication between you and your partner or is that just one piece of a whole litany of dissatisfaction on your end. Look closer. It won’t take long for you to determine whether or not you are looking at easy.

Quick, what are you passionate about? The basics come to mind immediately but it’s essential to Authentic Self growth and thriving to consider what also might be hidden below the surface.

Here’s another Authentic Self Exploratory Tip:

Picture yourself in a situation where you must defend yourself or your position on a certain issue. Other factors may include someone acting cruelly toward someone/something or an especially hot day when patience has been tried and exhausted. What is an issue that you feel passionate enough about to defend, whether verbally or physically? An example: I saw an older woman dripping with heavy jewelry, leaning against a sparkling white Mercedes, yank a little dog off the ground by its collar and leash. She tossed it off the ground and through the car door, as if it where an errant sweater. I was furious and sorely tempted toward physical violence. What injustices really boil your blood?

Behind the anger from an injustice is one of your Authentic Self passions. An Authentic Self passion is a great tool to use as you explore life purpose. For example, a business cannot thrive without passion. You can work your 9-5 without having any passion for your job but if you want to start your own business you must have a passion for it. Why? Because with so many uncertainties inherent in the starting and maintenance of a new business, passion is a must because it will get you through the times when the check doesn’t arrive, the client cancels or your shipment is lost.

So, it’s worth taking a closer look at what you feel compelled to defend or protect. Contained within that is some element of your Authentic Self that once understood, will allow for more meaningful personal growth and confident decision-making.

Trust me. You want to be a fly on the wall in one of my workshops. Not simply because I am a skilled facilitator (although I am) or because I bring coconut cake for a participant’s birthday (although I do) but because the women who attend my programs offer amazingly keen personal insights that you really want/need to hear.

On Thursday’s session of Awaken Your Passion, one of the women mentioned that she had questioned herself, after watching coverage of Tim Russert’s funeral services, what her own personal code of conduct would be. What a delightful question! The concept of a personal code of conduct is especially relevant because a great deal of conversation in Awaken Your Passion centers on the definition of our personal values via Authentic Self exploration and group activity. Outlining a personal code of conduct is a similar journey. Your personal code of conduct must be based primarily on one aspect of your Authentic Self: your values. Your values are the most essential ingredient in a personal code of conduct. But, what else must be inherent in your personal code of conduct?
Here are a few ideas to get your started:

1) Start with Your Word . Use that one word as a springboard from which to work. My word, after much deliberation, is impassion. So, I ask myself how must I bring “impassion” into my daily code of conduct? What action, for youthen, is implicit in your word?

2) What about a hero? In Awaken Your Passion, we juxtapose our heroes and their qualities with ourselves as away to gain greater power and control over our own lives. How might your hero and her qualities be included in your daily code of conduct?

3) Incorporate purpose. In The New Feminine Brain, Dr. Mona Lisa tells us that we are more prone to life-threatening illness if we are without a life purpose. Why are you here? Take the quiet time alone to answer this question to the best of your ability for where you are right now. Use it in your code.

When you have 1-3 ironed out, select a visual. What picture or image do you associate with strongly? Adopt it as the personal representation of your code. An image enables association more strongly. Think swoosh (Nike), the Starbucks’ siren or the ultimate in evil–aside from Wal-Mart--the golden arches of McDonald’s.

You may decide to 3D your personal code of conduct, maybe as a Happiness Project. One more recommendation–don’t over-think this project. Spend time on it, yes, but don’t let perfection take over in the process! If prone to perfectionist tendencies, work on it piecemeal. Give yourself a time-line and stick to it to ensure that you are not consumed by the fine details, losing sight of the larger picture.

Happy creating!! Let me know how it goes.

It’s almost summer–the first day of summer is actually tomorrow!–and many of us love to get our hands in the dirt of our garden. I don’t actually fall into this category but I do love the idea of reaping what we sow, so instead of the physical garden, I ask you to imagine the mental garden of your life; a place that frost cannot touch, bunnies won’t chomp on and flowers always bloom.

Here are a few tips to Grow Your Own Garden:

1. Savor Everyday Joys. Smell the fat, dewy peony which blooms so briefly in your yard. Take the 15 minutes to go pick a quart of warm strawberries from your local farm. Get out the dog comb and brush your beloved greyhound for 5 minutes in the sun.

2. Think on It and then Let Go. Don’t attempt to solve everything today. Remember that most of the time, most everything is actually not in your realm of control. Instead of lamenting the chaos of limbo, acknowledge what is on your mind and then release it. Breathe.

3. Study New Subjects. Get ye to the local library! You can get practically any book, DVD or audio CD in the world (if I can in my small, rural corner of the world then you can too). Borrow a different magazine. Join a town committee. Learn something new.

4. Give, Give, Give. Say a prayer. Offer to watch a friend’s children. Pick up random garbage. Mail someone’s letter. Give a friend the business. Donate old clothes. Share a compliment. Give something away on a daily basis. Likely, as is the case with most of us, you have too much. It will come back ten-fold.

Growing your own garden allows for perpetually blooming, your own! What would you add to this list?

Do you preface, or end, most comments with a self-deprecating comment or “I don’t know,”?
“I don’t know,” seems innocuous enough but the words that we use to talk about ourselves are key to our self-esteem. They serve two purposes: 1) to teach how we want to be treated and 2) to show what is important to us. Our words can be unintentional teachings e.g. when we talk negatively, we send the message that our thoughts, opinions, belief systems matter less than other people’s. This is a form of verbal violence that we commit against ourselves. This verbal violence is an invitation to get cut off, remain un-promoted, under-valued at work or be emotionally disparaged! Yikes.

When someone compliments your new pedicure, do you tell them that it is actually turned out a lot shinier/darker (read:worse) than you had hoped? If you do (as I *almost*did yesterday), then not only are you committing verbal violence against yourself but you are also negating the gift of the compliment that you gave them. That’s not only showing your icky, ungrateful side but also not winning you any future kudos either. Consider shifting your perspective to see compliments as an invitation to share a bit of your Authentic Self with someone through your response to their words.

Instead of speaking out of habit (”I don’t know,”) or negating a received compliment and perhaps committing verbal violence, choose words intentionally which allow your authenticity and integrity within self to ring through. Doing so honors your Authentic Self while simultaneously building self-esteem. If this is too much of a stretch, especially if a compliment flows your way, concentrate on just speaking two, always acceptable words: “thank you”.

If Wendy Shanker in real life is anything like Wendy Shanker author, I really want to hang out with her. Anyone who writes, “I have no patience for people who won’t eat this and won’t eat that…Three cheers for discipline but, like, stay home and eat.” is someone I want to know. YES! Stay home, indeed. Being a scone/muffin/pastry-a-day gal myself, an immediate sense of camaraderie flooded my senses upon reading these lines and it has stayed. Shanker, author of The Fat Girl’s Guide to Life, is a laugh-out loud, intense author who isn’t afraid to call it like she sees it. Shanker invites women to take another look at their own bodies and their (twisted, unsafe, atypical, {fill in your own word here}) relationship with food in an attempt to show all of us that thin is not holy, deprivation is essentially unhealthy and fat is a feminist issue! It’s feminist because fat, as a societal judgment, is not equally pejorative for men and women. The judgment of fat is more often used against women (by both men and women) as an instrument of shame and belittlement than it is against men. Like me, I bet you know plenty of fat men who seem perfectly comfortable (and why wouldn’t they be? No one calls them “fatty”. . . ) with their extra girth? Gives you pause, doesn’t it?

With The Fat Girl’s Guide to Life Shanker proves to be a bright beacon in an otherwise murky sea of societal pressure, celebrity worship and cruel prejudice. We all need a Wendy Shanker in our lives to remind us to occasionally re-check our perceived reality, step away from that scale and move toward what’s truly beautiful: a love and appreciation for the body that we do have.

A recent issue of the ABA Journal featured an article, Gender Gap Due, in Part, to ‘Ambition Gap’?, which looked at why women are so under-represented in “lawyer-laden” political circles. The question of whether or not women are “intentionally” steering themselves off the path to partnership or whether they are blocked on that path (as sociologist Mary Noonan questions in the article) is not as black or white as it appears and the real reasons for the discrepancy are much more nuanced, as I explored in my Masters’ thesis.

Namely:
*Women in our society are more highly valued by how well they care for others and less valued for their ambition, “cockiness”, and desire to make money. ‘Nuff said. Women reading this know there is no need to elaborate on this point.
*The only value a lawyer has is in their ability to bill clients. That’s it. It’s less important–and can prove to be career-endangering–to write articles, work cooperatively, niche yourself or any of the other networking tools that the rest of the business world embraces as effective. The inherent value in billing is less of an issue for men who are expected to devote 100% to work (it’s where the bulk of their self-esteem comes from, unhealthy yes but very true) but it is a huge issue for women who are expected to do it all and do it all well: work and family.

And–newflash to Martha E. Neil, article author: it isn’t just politics that women are represented in when it comes to law! There are fewer women partners in law firms; fewer women judges; fewer women general counsel. The list goes on and on. The one legal area where there appear to be more women is public service. No surprise there.

In short, an “ambition” gap isn’t really the issue. The issue is more about taking a closer look into how society views men and women and then looking at how those views influence the choices that we feel we need to make.