Elizabeth M. Johnson

Honestly respond with a “true” or “false” to each of the statements below.

1. I often make unhealthy food /drink choices.
2. I struggle with my weight and/or about my comfort with my weight.
3. I often sleep poorly.
4. I sometimes feel like my wardrobe doesn’t represent who I really am.
5. I don’t exercise regularly or if I do, I often force myself to do it.
6. I am unsatisfied with one or more aspects of how I present myself to the world (hair, make-up, skin, clothes, shoes, etc.).
7. I over-think…a lot, even seemingly “small” decisions.
8. I was sexually abused as a child or raped as an adult.
9. I sometimes question my loveability.
10. I am unhappy with my sex life or am resigned to not having one.
11. I sometimes wonder about my drinking or someone else has expressed concern about my drinking to me.
12. I suffer from an anxiety disorder or have suffered from one in the past.
13. I usually wear the same things to work, out of indecision as to what else to wear or frustration over not having clothes that fit or look good on me.
14. I frequently suffer from low energy.
15. I play it safe in most areas of my life: conservative/neutral dress; seldom venturing out (to dinner or movies) by myself; ordering a safe/“usual” off a menu; not contradicting what someone else says if I disagree; staying in a relationship or position longer than it serves me; driving a “practical” car. (If you agree with three or more, give yourself a “true”.)

Tally your answers. If you answered “true” to 9 or more, I really want to hear from you. Please contact me via my website or phone at 860 435 0170 or email at pink@ejohnsonandcompany.com. What’s in it for you will depend on what you want or need. I know your time is valuable so trust that you will be repaid accordingly for speaking with me in greater detail. So if you responded “true” to 9 or more of the above answers, please let me hear from you. Thank you!

It is tempting to see one area of your life as the root of all other problems. Sometimes it is money, or a lack thereof, and sometimes it is weight. If only we could improve or control this one area then everything would be different: people would change, the job would be bearable, the relationship would have passion again. This is not reality, however. When everything feels so out of control, our next steps is not to constrain ourselves as much as possible or put all of our energies into managing just one thing. This is a recipe for disaster because isn’t this hot chase of control really a pursuit of perfection? Perfection sets us up for failure. Every time, all the time.

A better strategy is to pay small, thoughtful amounts of attention to the different areas of your life that need attention. Admit that you are frustrated with your work and then take some time deciding whether or not you want to look for another job or sit and stew some more. Opt to toss out the crappy food in your fridge and restock with fruits, veggies and some healthy snack options that taste good or don’t leave your mouth and taste buds feeling deprived. Consider whether or not you want to ask for a raise from your boss or search for a better paying job. Get it? Small thoughtful steps save you from the mania of over-doing unhealthy actions while simultaneously allowing you to see that fixation on one insane area doesn’t solve all of your problems.

Do you attempt to solve challenges that come up by looking at the issue from a strictly black or white perspective?

Our natural inclination to tackle challenges is usually with an all or nothing mentality: ignore the challenge and hope it somehow miraculously resolves itself or throw every possible idea, option or inspiration at the challenge hoping to solve it that way. These tactics seldom work. Why? Because our Authentic Self is not black or white; she is a blend of different colors, textures, patterns and passions. Because of this, black and white answers aren’t solutions.

In both of my workshops and with clients, I introduce the concept of “the big grey area of opportunity”. This perspective offers that there are endless options to solve challenges, if we look beyond the obvious i.e. black and white. Just like your basic brown suit is traditionally formal, it can look casual if you skip the standard white button-down and opt for a fitted tee or scoop neck instead while mixing in fun jewelry or a bright scarf.

Work issues are a common challenge that can be solved more easily if we use the perspective of a big grey area of opportunity. Let’s look at an example. Imagine that you are sick to death of your current job and find yourself passively aggressively dealing with co-workers and superiors while at work. You are looking for another job but can’t quite get past the fact that your current job, while utterly misery-inducing, does offer you good pay, excellent benefits and some other perks that you take advantage of. What options are open to you by using the perspective of the big grey area of opportunity? Would you consider a new career which offers less pay but an opportunity to travel or the option to work from home? What about changing industries entirely? The skills that you have acquired are more transferable than you might think. Remember that these pearls are coming from someone who went from dealing with corporate clients who bought racing and driving programs for their clients or employees to supporting sales reps who sold skill-building training programs to companies nationwide! It can be done.

Consider what challenge is facing you right now and ask yourself what is possible if you look beyond the obvious answers and into the big grey area of opportunity.

Still reading Eat, Pray, Love but am finally in the penultimate section where Gilbert travels to Bali. In Bali she realizes that marriage is a very important concept to the Balinese and so when asked if she is married, she lies and says, “Not yet,” feeling this answer is kinder than the truth. This decision struck me as so inordinately wrong on multiple levels that I felt compelled to pull over, i.e. not continue driving and writing simultaneously.

Frequent readers of this blog know that I am not in favor of compromising the truth of your Authentic Self for anyone else’s sense of security and balance. This holds true even if you are a visitor in a foreign country. I would argue that allowing spoken dishonesty, dishonest actions or even untrue thoughts to come from you is the worst possible path you can take if you are at all concerned with a) an overabundant well of personal guilt b) anxiety c) perfectionist tendencies or d) control issues. Why? Because you are denying who you truly are. Whenever you deny your Authentic Self, you shrink your ability to be confident about who you are and what you want in any situation with anyone. You are in essence telling your AS that she isn’t good enough.

If this isn’t enough to stop your barrage of platitudes, consider then, the affect of your dishonest words on society at large. What statement are you making when you choose to not rock the boat of societal mediocrity? Where would we be without public dissenters like Rosa Parks, Gloria Steinem or the Dixie Chicks? These women chose not to accept the status quo, the comfort of complacency that others of us have done. When we challenge socially acceptable constructs like the role of media in our lives or like the expectation of marriage, or what Adrienne Rich calls “compulsory heterosexuality” as my friend Christan’s Master’s thesis explores, we stake a claim on behalf of our Authentic Self. To deny our self is to accede our rights as individuals in favor of the rights of the collective.

The only truly kind answer is the one that honors your Authentic Self, not the answer that tries address the ideology of someone else.

In the March 31 issue of TIME there is an excerpt from Pico Iyer’s new book, The Open Road, which features his journey of five years with the Tibet’s exiled Spiritual Leader The Fourteenth Dalai Lama. At one point in the article, Pyer notes that the Dalai Lama’s favorite words are: “investigate, analyze and explore,”. These are words that I react positively to also. I like their action-oriented sensibility; they have positive movement for me. Pyer goes on to say that the Dalai Lama believes that the Buddha was a “scientist”, which Pyer tells us, “means that a true Buddhist should follow the course of reason (recalling, perhaps, that anger most harms the person who feels it),”. Anger harms most the person who feels it. This philosophy is something that dovetails nicely with Monday’s conversation in my Uncommon Confidence workshop about acknowledging emotion as a way to put one’s self first.

It’s essential that we acknowledge where an emotion is coming from so we can deal with it appropriately instead of allowing it to fester unhealthily into our body. Remember that unacknowledged emotions don’t ever really go away; they manifest as a health problem for us in our body. For more information on this, visit the work of Dr. Mona Lisa Schulz. So, the Dalai Lama’s words are relevant to all of us today. The next time you swallow your words or your anger, remind yourself who is really being harmed by that bitter mouthful.

Like every other woman in the Western world, I am reading Eat Pray Love. Actually I am listening to it on audio in the car. A little late on the Gilbert fan wagon, I just started the book. Boy, did she annoy me in the beginning! I hung in there because of the promise of Italy in the not-so-distant future. Had I known she would have ended up in Rome, I might not have continued listening. For a should-er like Gilbert, Rome makes perfect sense but it was still a disappointment learning she went to Rome to discover pleasure. But endless descriptions of creamy gelato, beautiful men and an almost continual flow of pizza and pasta made my own formerly Italian heart ache with envy. Toward the end of her stay in Rome, Gilbert has a conversation with a friend who, upon learning that Rome is not her (Gilbert’s city), shares his theory that every city has a word associated with it. Rome’s word is Sex. The Vatican’s word is Power. Naples is Fight. What’s her word, he asks, since it is not Sex? She ponders. I can’t say I recall if she had an answer; I was too busy writing down (while driving of course) this theory of one word to represent an entity. I muse on this: what is my word? Upon asking the question, the expected barrages flows towards me: confidence, authentic, learner, restless, pink. I consider beauty which is close but I don’t think that’s it. Relentless and passionate feel closer. I’ll play with these two for a few days.

What’s your word? It may be tempting to choose a “should” word but I would encourage you to think about this for a few days and come up with a list that you feel represent your Authentic Self. Then narrow it down. Beauty is so important to me. Not only is it a recurring theme in my list of 6 Things I Cannot Live Without but it is also one of my five personal values and an instrumental influence in the choices that I make in my surroundings. But it isn’t a complete representation. What’s your word?

By the way, Florence’s word is Beauty.

Starting Monday June 2, I will be offering a group Coaching Circle at my office in Lakeville:

Coaching Circles are group coaching sessions centered around your specific need. Do you want to get off your butt and get your business going? Or, do you want to stop talking about writing and actually start writing? Join my Coaching Circle for support, accountability and inspiration. Coaching Circles allows participants individual time with me coupled with the support of like-minded women who cheer you on, encourage your accountability and share your successes. Coaching Circles tend to be groups of 5-10. We will meet every Monday evening starting June 2 for 9 weeks from 6-8 pm. Light refreshments will be served.

Pricing:
$20 per session for your commitment of 9 total sessions
OR
$30 per session for drop-ins or women who want to commit to less than all 9 sessions

Ready to begin ? Email me at coaching@ejohnsonandcompany.com for a Coaching Circle Chart to reserve your place.

Based on my friend Katie’s post, I have decided to create own list with a twist. I am doing 6 since it is a better feng shui number than 5. Detect any themes?

*Fruits and veggies. I am a vegetarian so fruits and veggies are my friends. They make up the bulk of what I eat. But they are more than dining friends; they are inspiration, pleasure and they embody beauty. Small, perfect raspberries send me into delighted shivers while fresh lettuces, newly spun and still a little damp awe me with their intricate colors and curls. I love a good hard nectarine as much as I love a slightly under-ripe banana with streaks of green. Little suns of lemon, trees of broccoli and wrinkled avocados round out my life.

*Books. I am with dear Katie on this one. If I were on a desert island with no one else except my copy of Atlas Shrugged, I would be totally fine–at least for a little while. I have been reading forever–since before I started wearing glasses–so books are as much a part of my life as the air I breathe. Audio books are my constant (uncomplaining when I get lost) co-pilot on my endless drives. I read whatever I can get my hands on (crappy, recycled plotlines from “popular” fiction need not apply,however).

*Tah. My bear since birth, he has gone with me on every trip (except 2) that I have ever been on. Tah has survived a house fire, a flood (an inadvertent trip to the washing machine) and countless germs. He’s not the prettiest any longer and he does gets re-stuffed as needed. My #1 fan, he doesn’t say much but his round, plastic eyes speak volumes of support and love.

*Dogs. I am not a “dog lover” per se but rather, I love beautiful dogs. My greyhounds are like mythic creatures (my mom’s description not my own) and so utterly, effortlessly beautiful that sometimes I cannot look away. I met a beautiful dog on Saturday. His name is Magnum. A rescue, a large purebred Dobey, his coloring was a wash of subtle shades of brown and his eyes were liquid chocolate, utterly warm and loving. I couldn’t stop looking at him. Dogs are inherently good creatures who, sadly, are treated like less than the four-legged gods they are. Be good to someone else today; befriend a dog that needs you.

*Laptop. This is a hard one to admit. My inclination is to be “True Writer” and not need a laptop in order to create but the bottom line is, I need a laptop in order to create. My writing is an illegible as a pediatrician’s and I have very expensive taste in pens. Laptop it is. I love the clicking of keys (simultaneously soothing and revitalizing) and the sheer portability of pleasure.

*Pink. Of course! Give me your old pink sofas and chairs oozing their stuffing. Send me picture of you in pink clothes, taking pink actions, speaking pink thoughts. Burn the pinkest candle and make a pink wish. Write hand-written notes on pink stationary and seal with a pink kiss. Pink is power, possibility and passion all wrapped up in one delicious color that smacks of the good things.

What are your 6 things, dear reader? Add a comment below or email me.