Elizabeth M. Johnson

I used to have a list of my favorite books and reading recommendations on my website but I took it down and replaced it with something else to keep things fresh. But I was recently contacted by a woman who participated in the workshop that I had done at the Women’s Studies Conference at the College of St. Rose last year who asked for some reading recommendations.

Here are my Top 5 Confidence Building Books:

1) Atlas Shrugged. The only fictional book on this list for good reason. Ayn Rand builds the formidable, beautiful, relentlessly driven protagonist of Dagny Taggart as the ultimate heroine. Dagny is an inspirational example of a woman who continually makes choices that honor her Authentic Self, including one of the hardest of her life. I keep a copy of Atlas on my desk and at my bedside table, just in case. Be warned: Dagny is not perfect and that lack of perfection is one of the reasons that I love her character and this book so much. She’s so damn real!

2) Finding Your Own North Star. Anything Martha Beck writes is fabulous but this classic, one of her earliest, is still my favorite. Beck is funny and smart and offers real wisdom on how to craft that ultimate life for yourself. There is much self-esteem building going on in Finding Your own North Star from dealing with emotions, saying “yes” and “no” and dealing with fear effectively. For a Beck sampling, pick up a copy of O: The Oprah Magazine. Beck writes a monthly column which is hands-down of the best features in the magazine.

3) The Feminine Mistake. One of my newest favorites, written by Lesley
Bennetts, I blogged about its importance to women’s self-esteem building here here.

4) The Right Questions. Debbie Ford’s ten, simple questions are really all you need to know in order to keep your focus on your personal growth and self-esteem building. They are easy to understand and use and can be used in any situation. Great simple tools to propel you forward, especially if you are stuck. The only catch is you’ll need to answer them honestly in order to benefit from their wisdom.

5) The New Feminine Brain. Wondering why you are constantly sick, tired or just unhappy in general? If so, I command you to RUN, not walk, over to your local library or bookstore and pick up this brilliant piece of work by Dr. Mona Lisa Schulz. Two of the biggest issues I see with women and self-esteem are a) that they aren’t taking good care of themselves (not exercising, eating well, taking vitamins, etc.) and b) that they stuff their emotions by not acknowledging the fact they feel powerless, lonely or just plain angry. I realize the book looks like a tome but it’s very easy to skim around for just what you need. Don’t be surprised, however, if you end up reading the whole thing.

Need other suggestions or have your own? Comment below or email me at pink@ejohnsonandcompany.com.

1. You over-apologize. You tend to use “I’m sorry” as a catch-all expression instead of using it when you are actually in the wrong and would like to make reparations. You may also use “I’m sorry” when your intention is to sympathize with someone or offer your condolences. Using “I’m sorry” when it’s not actually appropriate limits your vocabulary and your ability to act authentically. Use “I’m sorry” only when it really makes sense. Challenge yourself to use words that really reflect who you are.

2. You stuff your emotions instead of dealing with them honestly. Are you self-censoring or do you tell people what’s on your mind? Cutting out conversation because it is emotionally difficult is tempting but it sets us up for a world of future hurt. Stuffed emotions don’t go away. Stuffed emotions come out in by way of detrimental behaviors, over-reacting actions or debilitating health problems. Speak up and talk from a place of love while being clear what’s really going on so you can both move through the mess.

3. You are under-valued at work or under-value yourself if you are a business owner. Perhaps you haven’t asked for a raise in a while or maybe you haven’t raised your own rates in a while. A lack of money will make you feel less confident because you are subconsciously telling yourself that you aren’t worth it. Think of a sum that is more than what you’re making now and add a little extra to that number, just for wiggle room. Ask and ye shall receive!

4. Your Authentic Self isn’t reflected in your clothes or style. Who do you look like? Are you dressing for someone else or to hide pieces of yourself that perhaps a partner or parent disparaged? Dare to wear a shorter skirt, even if your legs aren’t perfect. Incorporate a new color into your wardrobe with a simple scarf if a new color is scary. Dressing “down” to suit the “old” you or someone you used to be keeps you stuck in the past.

5. Your support team is more about quantity than quality. Are you holding onto a sea of Debbie Downers because you have been friends since high school? Holding onto friendships that no longer support or champion who you really are just makes you have to work harder on being that woman. Allow people to fade away if they cannot lift you higher or champion you strongly. You cannot afford to do otherwise. You’ll soon see that you have space for future relationships who do serve you in the highest ways.

Quiz time! Which answer below is the correct one to the question:

Question: Life is too short to_____

a: hold out for winning the lottery

b: wait or the kids (or partner!) to leave home

c: hope for one of your jobs to go away

d: wish for a warmer climate

e: All of the above.

The answer is of course “e: all of the above”.

The reason that life is too short for each of these scenarios is that they are grounded in blind hope as opposed to concrete action. Hope is not enough to create the life that you want. Hope won’t get you from sinking to swimming. Thoughtful action, bountiful support and loving accountability will. That’s where coaching comes in.

In coaching, coach and client stay in relationship with each other. The relationship is an ongoing partnership where both partners work hard to manifest the desired outcome (a new job, loving partner, own business, healthier lifestyle) that was conceived of when the work began. All of the work centers around that initial goal. Starting at the end of January, I have an opening for an individual client. No blind hoping allowed! Click here for more details.

How would you complete the question: Life is too short for….

Offering someone a spot of value in a conversation is essential, especially if you are looking to start a relationship with them. I spoke with a woman who is a virtual assistant recently and while all of the answers were “right”, I left the conversation sensing that she wasn’t excited about working with me and that she had offered me a little bit of value, as a teaser of a sort. She also hadn’t looked at my website before our conversation, which she would be helping me with. She seemed bored during our conversation and I ended up feeling like I was a number in line at the DMV: uninteresting, unvalued and a dime a dozen. Yech.

I like my prospective clients to leave with a takeaway of some value from our conversation. Perhaps it is a question that Ms. Prospect might want to consider, a new perspective or a tool that she hadn’t encountered before. I want to feel excited about the women that I am working with and I want them to feel the same way about me. Now, the click of passion won’t always be there but, as I realized recently, it is more important (for me anyway) for the click to be present than it is for all of the logistics to be covered. Passion is what moves us to action and what helps us to persevere.

I would really love to hear your comments on this. What do you think? Is this important for you too? Let me know.

Yesterday afternoon, I was in a little bit of a rut. I felt tired but also annoyed and slightly cranky. And, I was cold. My plans had been canceled for the night and so I decided to leave the office a little early. Counter to what I really felt like doing, I saw my car pull into the gym as I drove through Millerton en route home.

But once I was on that elliptical, armed with a stack of glossy reading material, I felt amazing. I cranked up the resistance and the elevation and took off. Those snazzy neurotransmitters (seratonin, neorepinephrine and beta endorphin) that flow into your brain when you exercise, kick in and I felt my mood lift as a result. Exercise is a great mood shifter, something I forget periodically. I almost always feel good when I leave the gym after a good work-out. But here in the dead of the Starkfield-esque winters of New England, it can be hard (for me anyway) to pull myself toward the gym.

The thing to remember, which hopefully will keep you turning into the gym instead of passing it on your way home, is that those neurotransmitters that I mentioned above are the same ones that Prozac, Zoloft and St. John’s wort affect. Exercising for at least 20 minutes release these little guys into your brain and lessen your anger, release tension and create an overall feeling of well being. The key is that you need to move and love what you’re doing to reap these delicious benefits, as Dr. Mona Lisa tells us in The New Feminine Brain. This explains why my days on the machines doing weights are less joyous than those spent on the elliptical.

Exercise in an integral component of living healthily which is one of the ways that we put ourselves first. Taking steps to put ourselves first always builds confidence. So, one way that we can feel more confident about ourselves and deal better with any of the sneaky curveballs that life throws at us is to put ourselves first, in this case, exercise!

What are your three biggest challenges for 2008?

An informal poll leads me to the following three, in no particular order:

1) Time. As Americans become even more hooked to gadgets and systems that expand their time, they lose more of it as they multi-task. Instead of multi-tasking, set up a daily system which holds you accountable for the actions that you want/need to take on a daily basis.
Better yet, hire a professional to help you design the system and to hold you accountable.

2) Staying healthy. Healthy, in my mind, means feeling good about the body you’re in, not coveting another one by disparaging the one you’re in. However, we are a nation raised on instant gratification which doesn’t always connote healthy. Me, I’m a system lover, if you can’t tell, and for staying healthy, I also rely on a system: gym 3-4 times a week, loads of deep breathing and a salad at least one meal a day. What works for you?

3) Finding meaningful work. This is an interesting one. It means that while the job market in the US hasn’t sunk quite as low as we might think, we still have a hard time finding work that is personally significant for us. Sometimes the answer to this is to find an outlet which isn’t job/career related in which you can satisfy your quest for greater meaning in your life. And sometimes, you just need to find a new job, switch careers or hang your own shingle out there.

These three biggies are ones that can deplete your self-esteem, if you let them. So, instead of letting them steal it, yank back your control! Often the answer is to something that seems out of control is to ask yourself what is possible for you to control? One thing you can do is to create a system that lessens your stress while increasing your energy.

What are some of your biggest challenges for 2008? Let me know with a comment below.

1. I shall be 100% honest when it comes to voicing my emotions, even if I think someone may be disappointed or angry. I know with honesty comes respect, both of myself and from others.

2. I shall offer excellence to all of the work that I do, no matter if the client is me or someone else. I know that with excellence as a goal, I am less likely to be distracted by perfection.

3. I shall knowingly and deliberately expand my support team until I feel sated in a variety of areas. I know that a strong support team is key to my own success, whether personal or professional.

4. I shall put myself and my own needs first. I know that when I say “no” to people or situations that don’t serve me, I am in a stronger position to be able to assist those who do feed my Authentic Self.

5. I shall present myself as a queen in this world. I know that I have a right to exist and carrying myself as a queen will help me remember this.

6. I shall commit 100% to living a life with balance. I know that balance is not an end goal but rather a continual process which will improve the quality of my life.

7. I shall consciously accept my right to be loved, satisfied or successful. I know that when I can accept these things for me, they will come into my life in abundance.

8. I shall treat my body as the temple that it is. I know that when I feel healthy, I am ready to take on new challenges.

9. I shall ignore the should’s that society or friends, family tries to impose on my life. I know that I am the expert of me, and thus am the only one who knows what’s right for me.

10. I shall take deliberate risks that make sense for me. I know that Authentic Self risks allow me to grow bigger and stronger as a person.

On Thursday evening, I will be the guest on Lydia Mattison’s radio program, Empowering Space: Your Hour of Power. Lydia is a Trinidad-based life coach who has a weekly radio program dedicated to offering people a space to reflect, learn and empower themselves toward change. On Thursday we will be talking about my amazing Confident Women Coaching Cards and how confidence affects our daily lives.

As always the show is free. You don’t even have to call in to listen. You can go to blogtalkradio and register for free as a listener if you like, that way you can join the chat room during the show and write in your questions and leave comments. OR–You can also just go to Lydia’s website and listen to all of the podcasts that are at the bottom of each post. Click on the listen live button on the sidebar, it will take you to my radio page and you can listen to the show live - 7:00pm EST or 8:00pm local trini time every Thursday.

“Why do so many…settle for so little? I don’t understand why they’re not greedy for what’s inside of them.” — Jack Gilbert.
Get greedy! Join me this Thursday for an hour of expanding your inner power.

You are: passionate, creative, hard working and have a desire to re-design a specific aspect* of your life that you want super-charged support around. You recognize that coaching is a partnership and are willing to ask me for what you want and need, knowing I am not a mind reader. While you aren’t Pollyanna, you are optimistic about your future. You are also open to new ideas and often look for ways to improve the quality of your own life. You have faith in the coaching process, understanding that while change can happen overnight more often it happens with hard work, clear intentions and honesty with self and others. Extra kudos to you if you are a foodie or a person who delights in simple goodies like fresh tulips in a vase, spontaneous travel or reading for pleasure.

In turn, I offer myself a resource including my skills, expertise and methodologies for you to adapt as your own success tools. My style is collaborative and colorful. It gets you taking action, if you’re ready to. I will challenge your established mindset about yourself, your capabilities by encouraging you to shift your established rational thinking to a more rich, “feeling”-based perspective. I will offer you a large place to play, dream and actualize goals while encouraging you to think outside the “should’s” and other invisible rules that you tend to play by on a daily basis. But be warned: I won’t allow you to treat yourself with less respect than I give you. I’m not comfortable with you not being valued for the work you do or the passion you offer so I don’t tolerate either.

I don’t offer “sample sessions”. What I do offer is a 25-minute complimentary conversation with me to find out if our needs are a match. Email at coaching@ejohnsonandcompany.com or call me at 860 435 0170 to set-up this phone call. We can discuss whatever you want and I’ll also provide you with clear information on the way coaching a la Elizabeth works. If you are local to Lakeville CT, we can also meet in person at my pink-toned office (see left).

*Examples of clear needs that I LOVE to work with women on are: getting confident about personal style including issues of body image; discovering your next career or getting your already established business from point b to point g.

1) Talk it Up. What do you want to happen this year? Do you want a new job? Tell people. Are you looking to get fit? Enlist an accountability buddy. Is a new relationship (friendship or otherwise) something you want to attract this year? Tell someone. You get the point. Instead of blindly wishing for someone to manifest for you, take some action to help get it moving. The more people you tell, the greater chance you have of making that wish become a reality, instead of a hope-soaked idea which doesn’t float.

2) Match your outside to your inside. Is this the year you break away from beige and add a dash of sassy orange or lime green to your wardrobe? Boy do I hope so! This thought holds true for those of you who have their own businesses too. One of the original graphic designers I worked with advised going with a safe blue font on a basic white background. I never liked it. Did it match my inside? Nope. Did I keep it? Double nope. When you match the outside you to the inside you, all kinds of cool and fancy things will happen. Need to know exact outcomes? I can do that. Email me or post a comment and we’ll talk.

3) Accept nothing less than extraordinary. Okay, maybe consistent extraordinary would get tiresome. How about accept nothing less than extraordinary, most of the time? What I mean is, avoid holding onto “good” when you haven’t given “great” a fighting chance to surface in your life. Consider that age old example: if you woke up tomorrow morning and learned you had only 6 months left to live, would you be happy with the choices that you had made in your life or would you feel compelled to change things up? Think of today and this post as that wake-up call you need.

Sometimes our friends, support team, posse, whatever you want to call them need to be told (by you of course!) to back off. It can be really encouraging when our friends are excited about an idea that we have and are on board with taking it to the next level. But when we aren’t ready to take it to the next level and they are still charging ahead at 100 miles per hour, then we need to tell them to put the brakes on.

The best support team folks just want us to be happy. They think (read:assume) that they are helping us when they urge us forward, onward and upward toward….What exactly? These people are all about support but what they can’t manifest is the work that you need to do yourself. Perhaps the work comes with defining exactly what you want your new idea to look like. Or perhaps the work comes with more research, experimentation or making some concise lists to work by. So, when the support team folks are coming on like a tidal wave and you feel like running in the other direction, ask yourself how they can be of use to you right now. You may not be ready to have them build your website but you are ready for feedback on exactly what they would spend on a handmade greeting card or pay a subscription to a cake of the month club.

Like anyone else in your life, friends need to be told what you need from them. The best ones will step up to the plate and be there. The others might become resentful or bickery. Oh well. You know by this point what I think of the latter group. Asking honestly for what you want or need is one sure step to becoming more confident. So, the next time that support team person steps in and starts lacing up a pair of Nikes on your feet, seize their hands and give the Nikes back to them. Ask them if you can borrow them when you’ve determined where exactly it is you want to go, the path that you will take to get there and what necessities you need to take along with you.

Question: I’d love to hear some of your stories on what happened when you put the brakes on-both negative and positive. Post your thoughts below under “comments”.

Need a little jolt of confidence? Let’s draw a card from the deck of Confident Women Coaching Cards, shall we? The Cards are themed in six different categories. The Cards I chose was from “Power of Action” and talks about perfection: “Clients know that I reject the idea of perfection. Perfection is an unrealistic ideal. It is a disempowering belief system that sets us up for failure. Instead of striving for perfection, try progress instead. What steps can you take this week that will further your Authentic Self progress?”.

On the cover of a recent issue of Pink Magazine, Tyra Banks offered a quote that I think is just fabulous. She said, “I expect excellence but I know perfection isn’t possible.” Pursuing excellence as Banks suggests, or progress, as our Card recommends is a lot gentler on our Authentic Self than jabbing in vain at perfection. Instead of setting yourself up for failure as you will if you decide that you will do yoga everyday, set yourself up for success instead by goaling 4-5 days a week for yoga instead of everyday. When you get to the 4-5 day goal, you’ll immediately feel more confident. If after having attained the 4-5 days of yoga steadily for a few weeks, you want to aim higher, then shoot for 5-6 days. Get it? Give yourself space for a break, for illness, for a snowstorm, for a power outage, whatever may come up (and something will at some point) so that you aren’t beating yourself up because you weren’t able to get to your fraught with failure, perfectionistic goal of everyday.

My friend, Sarah Stitham, says “Life Happens.” and because this is true, people with perfectionist tendencies or who shoot for perfect will be continually frustrated by their lack of achieving perfect. Where would you rather be? Perpetually stumbling as you lose your footing climbing to the top of Mt. Perfect or making slow, steady progress by seeing the mountain not as the end goal but a part of a larger journey.