Elizabeth M. Johnson

Today, only 50% of Americans report that they have someone to confide in. This is a serious decline compared with 1985 findings which report that 75% of Americans have someone to confide in. This is troubling but consistent with what I hear on a regular basis.

Women tell me that they don’t have a strong support team. And even the ones who tell me that they do, usually mention, when prompted, a spouse or family member. As with anything else, when we place all of our eggs in one basket, our self-esteem is pretty severely damaged when that solo basket falls from its precarious ledge. When your only support team member is your spouse, what happens when you get divorced? Your need for support doesn’t move out too! Eggs in various baskets which make up a balanced support team are essential. If the only basket that’s full is the spouse one, then you must populate your other baskets with people that can help support your various needs and interests.

Like anything else that relates to living an authentic life, building (or maintaining) a support team takes effort.

Here are three simple ways to refresh your support team:

1. Talk (or at least listen) to those water cooler folks. Look for common ground in people whom you interact with on a daily basis. Hang around and listen to what your co-workers did over their weekend. Are they a new dog mom, Beatles fan (”hey me too!”) or a closet Nigella Lawson? These are things you will find out if you stick around.

2. Leave the house. If you work from home, head to your local Starbucks or Panera for interaction with actual people. Listen for commonality in line for your food, with the check-out person or with the worker-bee sitting across from you. What are they reading, listening to, mooning over? Their action or words might be something that you like or perhaps can relate to.

3. Join something or start your own something. Look for local book clubs, evening discussion groups (Passionalities), continuing education programs or community softball teams to participate in. When in doubt, ask at the local library. Want to get into shape? Check out training programs like those at The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society which get you physically fit and support a great cause at the same time.

Consider whether or not you are connecting with people in a way which honors your Authentic Self need for bonding and belonging. If you aren’t, consider making some changes. Don’t allow yourself to become part of that dwindling number of Americans who have no confidante.

Judith Sills’ article in the September issue of Psychology Today, Lily Pad or Jump, offers a great check-in for those of you who are bored in your job and wonder if it might be time to move on. Who doesn’t know someone in this position? It can be very scary to think about leaving the security of your job (where you are making decent money; have some nice flexibility due to your tenure, etc.) but Sills offers some true wisdom on whether it is time to jump or not.

Here are a few of my thoughts:
1) Define your professional grail. I love Sills’ term “grail”. Where do you want to be in 10 years? If your current job is getting you closer to that desired grail, then you might not want to leave. Alternately, if your current job isn’t offering you much in the way of opportunity to get closer to that grail, then the time might be ripe to make a move. Pursuing your professional grail, once clearly identified, is one of the keys to feeling satisfied and successful in your life.

2) Check in with your emotions. Sills asks, “On a scale of dread to joy, how happy am I to get out of bed in the morning and head for the office?”. I use this question a lot. It is a fine gauge as to how you are truly feeling about the work you are doing. If you answer “dread” to this question, it may be time to make a move. Ignoring your emotions sabotages your self-esteem because you are telling your Authentic Self she cannot handle what you’re feeling.

3) Outline your non-negotiables. Sills doesn’t touch on this concept too much but it overlaps so nicely with the article that I wanted to include it. What are the must have’s in your professional life? Now ask yourself are you getting them? Are they a possibility in the future with this company? Use those answers as a basis for whether or not you need to make a move. Honoring the must-have’s in our life is a way that we put ourselves first and thus become more confident.

I once made the mistake of staying in a job a year too long. I knew it when I left and swore that I would never again lose another year of my life to a job or anything else that wasn’t worth it for me. Deciding what a situation is worth involves weighing pros and cons and using the tools that we have (like those above) to make a choice which honors our Authentic Self.

Will you stay or will you go?

In my new building in Lakeville, there are three mini-offices opposite my office. Mini is the operative word here. Each has room for a desk and chair but not much else. Imagine adding a small bedside-type table and you’d have a really full room. Two mini-offices are the same size with a high window which features an air conditioner and one mini-office is slightly larger with a window (no A/C). Rent will range from $75-$125 depending on need and commitment level and will include wireless access, all utilities, and access to a pretty bathroom. If you’re interested, email me at ej@ejohnsonandcompany.com and let me know what your need is, how long you would be interested in the space and any other specifics that might help me understand why you’d be a terrific neighbor for me.

Life Lists have always been popular. There is something freeing about making a grocery list of all the things that you want to do before you die. Life lists are part indulgent dreaming and part serious planning. You can get lost in the idea of a life list. As I was perusing the website 43 Things, a site which gives you a structure in which to start your life list, I found myself LOVING so many people’s “things” (age like Joan Hickson’s Miss Marple; set up a family website; build a Habitat for Humanity house) and tearing up a bit at other people’s (finding a long lost sibling; forgiving those who have hurt us). The site itself is addicting and their goal is a beautiful one.

Life Lists are important because they give you a place to dream but also a place to achieve. You can cross off things on your list, update it or even completely re-vamp it. It’s also a place to remember that you only get one life. Too many of us are going through the motions of life with numbing blinders of “it’s all about the money” or “someday when I….” on. Those blinders make ensure your safety but your life is about more than just safety, isn’t it? If it’s not, it should be. While safety is important, it cannot be the root motivator for all of your actions otherwise you will never grow and learn and in doing so, become more confident and satisfied with your life.

Need some inspiration on how to get started? Check out the 43 Things website or pick up the book, 1,000 Places To See Before You Die. The book is fabulous and unless you have absolutely no interest in travel, you’ll find more than a few ideas to pique your interest and add to your Life List.

I haven’t done one yet. But after doing all of this research on them, it’s on my List.

What’s a must on your List?

Or are you a Mom? There’s a difference.

Placing that deprecatory adverb before your description of who you are or what you do, as in “I’m just a mom” or “I’m just a university assistant” always makes me cringe. Used this way, “just” means “only or merely”. And, who is the #1 culprit of this self-deprecating faux pas? Women…of all ages, backgrounds, sizes, shapes and colors.

When you place a “just” in front of anything you do, you minimize yourself. Minimizing who you are will never make you more confident.. Would you say that you are “just” a person? No, of course not. At least I hope not! Saying that you are “just” a mom is as belittling. Of course you are more than a mom, even if you do not work for pay. The inference with “just” is smallness, unimportance, marginality. When you say, “I’m a mom” instead of “I am just a mom” you might as well be capitalizing the word “mom” for the importance that you are placing on your work and who you are as a person. People can hear the unspoken capitalization, just like they can hear the disparagement that comes with “just”.

Whatever it is that you do, your work is important. It is important to you (more than likely) and perhaps to others to. When you place a “just” in a sentence about yourself, you give people permission to tune you out. At a time when many of us don’t have enough strong support team members, turning potential support folks away is not a great idea.

Who are you?

Teen girls have an estimated buying power of $87 billion. Yes, that is billion. Who knew? The September issue of Fast Company provides a fascinating look into one of the minds behind that statistic, a teen girl herself: Ashley Qualls. Ashley Qualls knows about the buying power of teen girls. Ashley, creator of the one of the first sites offering MySpace lay-outs specifically for girls called Whateverlife, is not only a sought-after Internet professional but she is also a teen girl herself. Ashley is 17.

Ashley who has mom and friends now working for Whateverlife ( as in “whatever life you lead”) has taken in more than $1 million dollars —60% of that from advertising revenue (Google AdSense). Her MySpace layouts are free. With a website that ranks higher than Oprah’s, Ashley is aware of the clout that she wields but is also uncomfortably aware that she is only 17 and because of her minority status needs protection. No grass grows under this girl’s feet, Ashley has hired a lawyer to emancipate herself and be declared an adult. She’ll be 18 next June but there’s plenty to do before then and the court-appointed conservator control’s all of Ashley’s assets. While, “It’s unusual to be emancipated to run your own business,” Ashley’s attorney, Darren Findling say, “She’s the perfect candidate.” She has another key person in her corner: Robb Lippitt. Lippitt, former COO of ePrize, Lippitt is now a consultant who helps entrepreneurs like Ashley build their business. Lippitt has helped Ashley prioritize by thinking about potential profits as well as design, branding and sales. But he realizes that while she is in the adult world of constant action and big picture thinking, Ashley is still only 17.

Lessons in self-esteem building from Ashley:
1) Be fearless. Lippitt describes Ashley as “fearless” , someone for whom “failure is an abstract concept”. Planning and growing without the “what if?” seed of failure in the back of your mind will make you more confident. When you don’t dwell on the potential for failure, you are motivated to keep moving forward, keep changing.
2) Stand out. Whateverlife stands out. It is seen as more authentic than most of the other teen sites which are created by adults for teens. Ashley is unafraid to be herself and puts herself out there to the world everyday via her business. That willingness to be who she is and come what may attracts a lot of serious traffic and gives her more confidence to keep doing what she is doing because it works.
3) Take control. When she realized that her age was working against her because she wasn’t allowed to control her business and its assets the way she wanted to, Ashley didn’t let a little thing like the law stand in her way. When you seize the power that you do have to make a change, you become more confident.

Remember when a lemonade stand in the summer by the side of a busy road was a sure way to make a few bucks? Times have changed. And thanks to the internet, entrepreneurs of any age have more than just Country Time powdered lemonade mix to rely on to get them started. Whatever, life.

Bonnie Fuller, high-powered magazine editor, writes the decadent and delightful, The Joys of Much Too Much, as if it were a column in one of her magazines. The writing is pithy, witty and entertaining- chockfull of clear takeaways that are made clearer by Fuller’s decision to bold certain ideas such as “You’ll get twenty no’s before you get a yes.” and “You need to embrace and learn to love your less than perfect self because she will wind up being your strongest ally.” This is good stuff that women need to hear. The complete title of Fuller’s book is The Joys of Much Too Much: Go for the Big Life–The Great Career, The Perfect Guy, and Everything Else You’ve Ever Wanted and believe me, she doesn’t leave any stone unturned in women how they can get there. Fuller shows you how, often by using her own life as an example. Who better to inspire than this woman who lives this life herself, everyday?

I love that Fuller links joy to having it all instead of approaching work/life for a more traditional standpoint of not being able to have it all. What a crock, says Fuller. She echoes Leslie Bennetts’ book, The Feminine Mistake, in saying that you can be a good mom and work outside the home at the same time. And, that it is important to do so. It’s possible to do when we get rid of the perfectionist tendencies.

Fuller’s book is ideal for women who have become stagnant somehow. Whether you are bored in your job, your relationship or debating whether or not to have kids, Fuller’s book will offer a slew of instant, implementable suggestions, ideas and encouragement to help you go for it. Her messages of persistence, optimism, channeling passions, and giving up good for great will stay with you long after the last page has been turned. This is good stuff.

I came across the word reformer recently. I started to wonder if it was still a common word after a brief Google search yielded no modern references to it. Thinking about reformers started last week in my Master’s class, “A Women’s Place is in the Curriculum”, I was remembering Elizabeth Cady Stanton, one of the signers of the 1848 Declaration of Sentiments and an early feminist activist. But who are today’s reformers?

I think the word reformer tends to have old-fashioned connotations. I think this while because I can’t find any contemporary references to the word reformer, I do come across people who are taking steps to affect positive change in our society. They are reformers even if not labeled as such. I think of people like Angelia Jolie, Oprah Winfrey or Scott Ginsberg-each of who are dedicated to improving life for others. The key connection between these three very different people is their passion for what they do. They have found the golden ticket: how to connect passion with purpose and make it work for you. A passion for what you do is the inherent ingredient in reform. It’s passion that enables you to continue to work on your desired reform even when it seems too discouraging. If you don’t have a passion for something, you won’t be able to sustain your desire to change society or an institution for very long.

Using your own passions, how can you be a reformer?

No, I’m not singing Ashlee Simpson. I am referring to the habit that many women fall into of crediting everyone or anyone in their lives -instead of themselves- for where they are, for whatever success they have had. I observe this often. Last week for example, everyone in my “A Woman’s Place is in the Curriculum” class created a quilt square to share with the class. The squares were intended to represent the creator’s personal values as well as tell a little bit of the story about which women in their lives influenced those personal values the most. Every single woman who shared with the group mentioned their mom, which is a fabulous thing, but most went beyond this point and credited their moms for practically everything in their life. While some of the men in class last week opted to mention mom, not all did, and those that did mention her talked about her, as I did, in connection to the big picture of their values and how those values show up in their life. Mom wasn’t given more or less credit than what she was due by these guys.

The fact that so many of the women felt inclined to credit their moms for their success, happiness, place in the world is laudable but at what point do we start taking responsibility for our own lives? At what point do we start accepting the fact that most of us have gotten to the place where we are because of our own hard work? Mom isn’t the one who creates an effective, creative classroom. Mom isn’t the one who cooks dinner for our partner and children. Mom isn’t the one that worked part-time and weekends for our college tuition. Okay, sometimes she is. But more often than not, as adults, it is us actually doing the work. This habit of crediting others goes beyond moms. It extends to bosses, siblings, friends, even luck–anywhere except ourselves.

Attributing our success to others is problematic for several reasons. Let’s look at a few:

1) By not accepting your role in your own success, you become less confidentin your ability to be successful.
2) By not accepting your role in your own success, you become less aware of what personal success actually means to you.
3) By not accepting your role in your own success, you become more inclined to doubt that you deserve success.

Conversations around success with women I work with often center on what the world thinks is success, as opposed to what success means to their authentic self. Often times the disconnect, as I have observed, is due to the fact that they cannot see where success has happened or is happening in their own life. Could that be attributed to the fact that they “give it all away”? Perhaps.

Who are you giving credit to?

Yesterday morning, I had the opportunity to be on the radio with Q103′s Thea and Joe and talk about my workshops, Awaken Your Passion and Uncommon Confidence. Like 80% of the women who are interested in my programs, Thea learned about them from four different women who had been past participants in a workshop with me. We talked about fear; of risk, failure and also success, how it is linked to self-esteem and because it is so linked, it’s an area that we discuss at length in Uncommon Confidence. But another fear surfaced last night in Week #3 of the Uncommon Confidence group that I am leading and that is a fear of self.

Last night we discussed how we put ourselves first and one of the ways we do this is by acting with honesty: with desires, emotions and opinions. One of the areas that we realize we also need to be honest about is who we really are. This led to an opinion that what if I were honest about an opinion or desire that I had and because of this honesty the other person will know me before I really know myself? It’s a fascinating concept. What if I disclose too much and someone else knows me before I really know me?

Part of what is fascinating about this idea is that with it, the sharer assumes that the listener will be more attuned to who they are, then the sharer really is. We know this is generally not the case. Most people are more interested in unravelling the minutiae of their own life, rather than yours. Because of this the listener is always looking for herself in the conversation i.e. how do I fit in here, why is she telling me this, what does this have to do with our relationship?

I also believe that each of us are the expert of our lives, whether we choose to accept that and run with it or not. Those who seek out the advice, reassurance or other ways of validation from others are not accepting their own expert status. Those who bounce ideas off others as a way of sounding them out or fine-tuning the language around them but who don’t need or ask for confirmation, are accepting their expert status. So, as the expert, you know yourself better than you think you do….certainly better than the person sitting across the table from you does.

Fear is one of the biggest, if not the biggest, obstacles that we face on a daily basis as we move through life. We fear change, risk, disease, success, failure, death, poverty, everything. But when we are honest with ourselves about who we are, our wants, needs, capabilities, desires, emotions, etc. we have less to fear because we realize that we actually do have a lot going for us. Also, of all the fears that we can have, however, fear of self is one of the ones that we can actively do the most about. I have women purchase Confident Women Coaching Cards as a way to explore their Authentic Self, as a way to get beyond fear. I created them with this goal in mind. I wanted to offer women a way to explore Authentic Self on their own, using the Cards as a discovery tool.

What fear is holding you back?

Master Organizer Sarah Sitham was the guest at my Coaching Circle last night in Pine Plains. Sarah shared with us her 6-step guide to becoming “truly” organized. Time is such an important factor to consider for all of us (how are we using it, where does our day go, why are we spending time on x, y or even z, etc.) and so, as we ready ourselves to return to school -or at least the reality of an impending Fall- her visit seemed especially prescient.

Sarah talked about the importance of looking at the bigger picture of your life when it comes to organizing, like I do with my own work. The clean desk isn’t going to be enough to motivate you on a daily basis but the peace of mind or pleasure that comes with entering your office which features a clean desk will be more inclined to satisfy you long-term. Just like the motivation behind changing careers needs to grounded more in future growth of Authentic Self than a basic like more money. The purpose of all of this organization is so that you can be effective in living that life you want.

In an effort to become more effective in my own life, I have started to use a time-log. The time-log available here and mentioned in Michael Stelzner’s post about time earlier this week was an intimidating idea –did I really want to see in black and white where my time goes? But here at Day #2 (granted it is only 6:40 am) I’m liking the accountability factor that accompanies the process.

Certainly there are other effective living tools than a timelog. Some people swear by a tea timer and set it for 50 minutes so they can work on a project uninterrupted. Sarah also recommends breaking down tasks into small bites e.g. taking 10 minutes to straighten the bathroom closet. For those who don’t have a planner, get one. Using one planner is essential; multiple planners or calendars take too much energy to maintain and also leave ample room for errors. Becoming “truly” organized means taking the time to create and maintain systems that work for you. It’s about getting you ready to take action, then taking action. It’s about being in motion.

What are the tools you use to create a life you love?

Everyone feels sad or depressed from time to time and for some of us that feeling may linger a little longer than we would like. But a snipit in the September issue of Women’s Health magazine tells us that about 1 in 4 candidates for antidepressants are suffering from normal sadness. WH cites the journal Archives of General Psychiatry, a monthly professional journal published by the AMA, for this fact. The study, containing data from 8000 men and women showed that those dealing with the end of a relationship or a job change or other life-altering situation had symptoms of sadness similar to that of those mourning a death. And, they would likely get better on their own.

Kind of like drinking bottled water, seeing a therapist and/or being on some kind of antidepressant has become quite the thing. 90% of the women that I know, personally and professionally, are suffering from normal sadness and don’t need a therapist or to be on an antidepressant. Who is to blame for this insane phenomena? I believe a great deal of blame goes to American society. We have such a fast-paced, solution-driven, fix-it-and-shut-up mentality that any problem that surfaces must fixed, instantly. Fast is prized and slow is not. Fast solutions are medication, termination or obliteration. Slow solutions are patience, conversation or mediation. Slow can be beautiful (think fresh bread rising, warm kisses, felting a sweater, steeping loose tea, or handwriting a letter) but because we are so influenced by society, we don’t tend to value the slower solution and instead, push the “Easy” button for a quick solution.

One of the simplest solutions to the blues is to communicate your feelings to someone who can actually do something. Note I specify “…to someone who can actually do something”. Your therapist cannot do anything to actually abate your sadness and neither will medication on a longterm basis. So while communicating to someone your feelings is a good thing, communicating your feelings to your partner, boss or mom is the best thing you can do to get through the blues. In doing so, you are giving the person to whom those feelings are connected an opportunity to meet you help. Sometimes all we need to do is ask for what we need in order to get it. Sometimes, not. What you have is a small test: can this person come through for me or not? Their response is the answer to your test. If they cannot or aren’t willing to, you will need to move on or risk continual sadness, frustration and resentment.

Where are you avoiding communication and how is it affecting your state of mind?

In September, I will be moving into an office outside of my home. I have worked from home for five years and the time has come to move on up as, The Jeffersons would say. My office will be on the ground floor of a commercial property - not a highrise- in Lakeville, CT. with a large apartment above it and three small spaces adjacent. I have blogged about the importance of having a space of one’s own to work in recently and in the past months, I have realized that in spite of the perks that come with working from home, I need more. Both more physical space but also more structure. Having a space to play around, walk around, spread out your notes, meet clients is essential for everyone. But the structure of your days is also important: how you are spending your time at your desk, when you are making phone calls, where you are tuning out. With a lack of space and structure, one might find, as I did, that my days were becoming a little too crammed. When our days are too full, we are not allowing any new, different or creative to come to us.

I have outgrown my current office space and the old systems that used to work for me. It’s definitely time for a change. New, different and creative will flow freely once again.

What have you outgrown?

P.S. The above picture is not my new office, as you might have surmised. Pictures of the real office will be posted soon. Fear not.

Likely you have been in a situation where you have little choice except to sit and suffer through someone talking who is either inept, insecure, inappropriate or ill at ease. Often you are at work or in a class when you are confronted with having to sit with painful listening. Painful listening is not just painful for you and your peers, it is more than likely painful for the speaker as well. I was curious as to why exactly it was painful to listen to someone whose speaking skills embody one or more of the above qualities. This is what I figured out, with a little help from friends who, coincidentally, had been in *just* that space recently:
1) It’s painful for the listener because they sense the angst of the speaker and want to rescue him/her from further humiliation.
2) It’s painful for the listener because time-that scarce resource that we all want more of-seems so move so slowly and this makes our skin crawl.
3) It’s painful for the listener because our minds travel to our own capabilities which may lead us to believe that we can do better than the speaker in front of us.

What does this have with self-esteem? Imagine that you are the speaker (horror of horrors)… When you -as the cause behind that painful listening-are put in situations where you are asked something that is unexpected, unrealistic or simply unfair, our confidence is damaged. Your confidence is damaged because your chances of success are compromised. You have the right to be successful and when that right is compromised, self-esteem is lowered. What to do?

1) First off, remember that you have the right to refuse anything. With the exception of imminent jail time, no one has the right (boss, mom, partner) to force you to do anything.

2) Should you choose to accept, learn everything that you possibly can about the task in front of you. Action and the subsequent knowledge that comes from that action eliminates fear and build self-esteem.

3) Once there, take time to know your audience. One more time: know your audience. Ask questions of them, give them time to ask questions, engage them with a relevant story. Answer the timeless question,”What’s in it for me?” for them.

Painful listening is a curable disease. The easy-way-out remedy is just to suffer through (and have everyone suffer with you) and accept your own powerlessness. “Wrong!”, says the Confidence Coach. This response is the sure way to ensure that your confidence level stays low. And, guess what? With that response, listening will always be painful. Years of painful listening patiently beckon. Instead, why not spare everyone some pain and take control of the situation? If you don’t, the person who does take control might be the very one who got you in this painful space in the first place. Save yourself and everyone in the audience at the same time.

What do you know about your audience?

Intuition in my life, has always been a little nebulous. After taking Dr. Mona Lisa Schulz’s class, Your Intuitive Brain and Medical Intuition
at Cape Cod Institute last summer, I realized that I was one of those people who access their intuition through their dreams. I wasn’t one of the brilliant people who looked at a name and age on a flipchart page, able to deduce all kinds of things-from the fascinating to the mundane- about someone else’s life. Later, I learned that I was likely one of those people who access their intuition through their dreams. From there, however, I remain a little muddled. How much attention to I pay to the dreams in which I am late for an event, as I dreamed last night? I don’t know. Complicating things more is that sometimes my intuition comes to me during my waking hours but in everyday, somewhat non-useful situations. For example, yesterday in the summer class that I am taking at SCSU for my Master’s, a woman talked about a textbook that she used in her own teaching. When one of our instructors asked who the publisher was, I thought “Houghton-Mifflin”. The woman checked and then reported that the publisher was indeed Houghton-Mifflin. Small, seemingly insignificant incidents like that happen often to me.

Dr. Mona Lisa tells us that “intuition is the ability to make a correct assumption with insufficient information.” So, my acts of intuition “count” even though I tend to refer to them more as guesses. However, when we give ourselves less credit than what is due we are limiting our chances for success. Because we minimize our talents or abilities, we feel less successful in a certain area than we actually have the capability to be. Whenever we limit our own success, we are shrinking self-esteem.

Intuition will likely remain a nebulous power for me until I learn to access it with intention and learn to interpret the subtle intuitive messages in my dreams. But does this mean that I should right it off? Not at all. Doing so will inevitably lower my self-esteem and make me less confident.

What talents or skills of your own are you dismissing?

What kind of woman do you want to become?

I asked my group Coaching Circle this same question last Tuesday. They were to answer by coming up with a list of 10 adjectives or adverb to describe that woman. The answers were fascinating and very different from my own when I did this exercise myself. “Healthy” was echoed by every woman in the group as was “balanced”. Unexpected answers included “refreshing”, “whole” and “pure”. As a group, the women connected those words to the change statement that they created as an anchor for themselves at our first Coaching Circle meeting. The linkage they realized existed between the question and their change statement was that once they embody those qualities they will have actualized their change statement. They are actively moving toward that woman as long as they are actively living their authentic self.

As we know, there is a great deal of power in a simple statement, whether we use the statement as an affirmation or an intention. The change statements that the Coaching Circle women created are specific and simple i.e. “I am propelling forward taking authentic steps” and “I will make ultimate self-care a daily habit”. The statements clearly relate to a change that they want to make, which anchors them to their process and one which we use to evaluate where they are and how they are moving forward. When we are thinking about personal change, and taking conscious steps toward it, we are in the process of becoming. We are becoming something more than our current existence. We are asking more of ourselves. Becoming more doesn’t equal doing more; it equals doing less. It means scaling back. It means incorporating balance. It means re-prioritizing. Becoming more means listening to authentic self more and understanding that it is your best guide.

What kind of woman are you becoming?

In the first session of Uncommon Confidence last night, eight women defined what confidence means to them and what they personally want to be confident about or around in their lives. In three short hours, the group learned that not only is it hard for them to talk about their strengths or something that they’re proud of, but it is just as hard for the other women in the group. Fears of being “the only one” were lessened and hopes of changed perspective were planted.

Taking steps to become more confident means facing fears head on. It means saying out loud that which is holding you back. Taking a step to look more closely at the positive within you or to ask yourself at the end of the day if you did your best is never just about one, finite action. It is about beginning a series of actions. It is about asking yourself why you emphasize the negative over the positive. It is about listening for the messages of perfectionism when they come and substituting those damaging words for words that are more hope-inspired than fear-based. It means seeing the proverbial glass half full as opposed to bone dry. Taking steps to become more confident means listening more to hopes than to fears.

Eight women looking to change their lives for the better by becoming more confident started their journey last night. When will you start yours?

The recently renovated Mahaiwe Performing Arts Center in Gt. Barrington, MA. offers movies on Monday nights during the summer. There doesn’t seem to be any theme to the chosen slate of movies (I will miss To Kill A Mockingbird but Diner and Psycho are upcoming). On Monday night, I saw All About Eve with Petria. This fabulous film tells the story of an apparently sweet young woman played by Anne Baxter, who gets to meet her theater idol, the actress Margot Channing played by Bette Davis. The film chronicles what happens as a result of that fateful meeting and how everyone in Channing’s circle is affected. A fresh-faced Marilyn Monroe looking as gorgeous as a tiered wedding cake stars as a young ingenue looking to making it big; the irony is rich.

The sub-plot of the film is that Channing is getting older and is coming to the realization that the best roles are for younger actresses. The year of the film was 1950, how little has changed since then! Her worry about her aging is exacerbated by the entrance of the younger, sweeter Harrington. Channing whose entire sense of self is contained in one basket (her work) goes through a slight identity crisis as she sorts through who she is without being Margo Channing, theater star. In the end, she realizes that her long-time boyfriend Bill Sampson played by Davis’ real life husband Gary Merrill does love her for who she is and not simply because she is a star of the theater.

The lesson is a good one: don’t put all of your self-esteem eggs in one basket as Channing did with her work. When you do, at some point, you will find yourself at a loss in that area, whether you get laid off or find yourself, because of your age, not having enough appropriate roles as Channing worried. Just like your financial portfolio, diversify! Scatter your self-esteem eggs into a basket that is community or volunteer-related. Make sure that there are some in a partner basket. Toss some into a basket that reflects your talent for reiki. You authentic self is so diverse and unique that to thrust all of your self-esteem eggs into only one basket will lead you eventually to imbalance.

Which carton contains the bulk of your self-esteem eggs?

If you were a woman, how many of your teachers growing up in grade school (let’s say K-5) were male? I had one. We listened to classical music all day long, didn’t do a lot of actual work as I recall and shortly before Fifth Grade, we were left unattended (not for the first time) and I was knocked on the side of a head with a hammer wielded by a classmate. No damage done (ha!) and soon I was en route to Grade 5. In Grades 6-8, the number of male teachers increased for my English and Math classes. In high school, there were more male teachers and they were my favorites in my favorite subjects: English, History, Political Science. The number of male teachers I had increased in proportion to the grade level I was in. Is this the same for you? And, I’m curious: do you know (as I do) more women teaching K-8 than teaching high school than teaching college?

The August/September issue of PINK magazine features, Climbing the Ivory Tower, an article which explores why there are fewer female faculty than male in America’s colleges and universities. This reality echoes my own undergraduate experience. Every single one of my professors, except for four, were male. So, it is no surprise to learn that first year MBA student, Trish Coad at Harvard -who has recently elected their first female president in Drew Gilpin Faust-has had only 2 female professors over 11 courses. Where are the women? Not in academia, it would seem. Academia seems to be the one consistent area which is not as progressive in terms of work/life balance as corporate America. What does this mean? It means that women are opting off of the academic career track and choosing instead corporate jobs where they have the option of greater balance. Seeing corporate America -not exactly the typical role model for life / work balance- as offering greater balance illustrates exactly how backwards academia really is in terms of family-friendly policy.

Wherever women congregate, there is a need for female role models. Academia, of course, is no exception. When we don’t see people who look like us doing something that we might want to do, it is very difficult to imagine ourselves there. This is an essential way that we build self-esteem. As women we also need other women to inspire us, lead by example and mentor us. And, regardless of sex, we need to see men and women doing different things in different roles than what has become the norm. The need is evident. It’s up to academia to make changes that move them as an institution and the population they serve forward.

How do you translate a need into an opportunity?

Each of us are naturally creative and resourceful. But how often are we creating something worthwhile, memorable or simply beautiful? The average person doesn’t have enough beauty in their life. The continual lack of its presence is like a life without ardent love, after a while you stop noticing that it’s not around and adjust to a kind of pattern which is rich in the mundane. Some of us have the opportunity to create a beautiful experience in the work that we do everyday, generally those of us who interact with the public on a daily basis, as a baker, cafe owner or retail sales associate for example. If the average person doesn’t have enough beauty in their life, there is a golden opportunity for you (as someone who interacts with the average person on a daily basis) to create one for them. This is so easy to do. It’s about creating something that you feel good about it which in turn benefits someone else.

Here are four foolproof ways to do this:

1) Ask someone’s opinion. Do you just make a new soup or bring in a new product line? Ask them what they think. Offer a sample, if you can. Asking someone’s opinion is giving them a gift. They feel flattered that you asked and in the future, they will associate that positive feeling with you and the company that you represent. BONUS! They also might absolutely LOVE whatever they sampled and will proceed to buy it and/or tell all their friends. At the very least, they will share their opinion with you.

2) Engage people with a story. It can be a story behind the new soup recipe or the new product. People love good stories. They often buy products based on emotion, out of guilt or a call-to-action like the moral of a story. And, people feel involved in a story. They are a part of the story, just by being there and by listening. Stories are little snatches of beauty that other people can experience. This lends some beauty to their own life, even if temporarily.

3) Use someone’s name whenever possible. You can use “Mr.” or “Mrs.” if you sense that they would prefer to be addressed in a more formal way. People love to hear their own name used. This makes them feel special. Here again, when you engage with people and use their name, they are pleased that you remembered who they are and they will remember and reward that pleasure, either by referring people to you or by coming in again.

4) Offer YOUR opinion. Remember that you are the expert here. If you own a small cafe and are engaging with customers and offering them a great value and great product, people visiting your place of business will assume that you have a high level of knowledge to offer them. Prove them right! Share your opinion with them on a product. Tell them which product you especially love and why. Remember, too, that people buy from those that they trust.

Remember, “If you build it, he will come…” from Field of Dreams? I still get the shivers when I hear those words….which, by the way, you can hear here.
Well, creating a memorable experience is like that. When you create one, people will come as a result of your creation. That memorable experience will bring people back to a past - a time of small town cordiality, good manners and exceptional service- that they miss or a past that they never knew to begin with. Either way, you have created an experience which gifts them with beauty and kindness which they’ll remember.

What are you creating?