Elizabeth M. Johnson

This isn’t what you think. While I do advocate saying “no” often and emphatically to people, relationships or situations that don’t serve your authentic self, this time I am talking about saying “no” to disposable water bottles. Not the permanent kind that you can fill and re-fill, ones that I will be selling on my website soon, but the ones that are sold daily as disposable sources of healthy choice from companies like Evian or Fiji. The July/August issue of Fast Company has a mind-blowing article, Message in a Bottle, which is simultaneously enlightening and horrifying. The article looks at the economy and the psychology behind why Americans purchase as much bottled water as we do. And, after reading it I decided to give up all take-out/take-away bottled water purchases–no matter how pretty the packaging is. This will be a real challenge for me because there is something intrinsically beautiful about a long, slender bottle of Smart Water or the sassy perfectness of a Poland Spring AquadPod. But the trade-off to all of that beauty, convenience and perhaps, too, a sense of cool is my contribution to the 38 billion water bottles per year that end up in landfills. Bottled water is purchased because it’s healthy..healthier than soda, of course but no healthier or safer than tap water, as it turns out. And, with tap water, which is monitored and tested all the time, all you need to do is run the tap….not inject bubbles to have it have the appearance of legend as they must do with San Pellegrino.

As always happens when you say “no” to something, you are saying “yes” to something else. In this case, I am saying “yes” to claiming responsibility for the effect of my own choices on the world. I am saying “yes” to getting my beauty fix from something with less of an environmental impact. I am saying “yes” to disposability for convenience sake and “yes” to planning ahead a little more. I am saying “yes” to being aware that while Fiji Water produces more than a million bottles a day, more than half the people of Fiji don’t have reliable drinking water themselves. This are strong “yeses” for me. I believe that one person can make a difference and with this decision, I am living it. My walk is matching my talk and that’s important in order to keep building self-esteem.

At home, we have a local water company deliver the 50 pound huge bottles which rest on a stand. This delivery will continue until later this Fall when our contract ends. These bottles aren’t tossed into landfills (they are collected by the delivery man (Mike) and used again. But that will be the only plastic water bottles that cross my path. And, that’s just one person. Imagine the institutions like colleges or businesses who bring cases and cases of bottles water to their games, their parties or just to their kitchens. That’s a lot of empty bottles. The September/October issue of Utne Reader tells us that every five minutes, American consumers use 2 million plastic beverage containers. 2 Million…every 5 minutes. Yech.

What can you say “no” to?

A new study tells us that obesity is contagious. This is especially a problem if you have fat friends. Apparently having close friends who are fat can triple, yes triple, your risk of becoming obese. This isn’t really any surprise to me. I thought it was just a matter of time before a study like this surfaced because your circle of friends can be such an influence on your thought, behavior and even personal style patterns that why not your eating habits as well?

It’s essential that we are tuned into who we are hanging out with and what influence they have on us. Make sure that folks that are in your circle are ones who make you better, who champion your authentic self, who don’t judge you even if you aren’t wearing what they would wear.

The flipside is, of course, that good things can also be contagious. Friends who leave their job in pursuit of their life’s work dream can be an extremely good influence on you. Three women I knew personally left Linkage within 6 months of me leaving. Sometimes it just takes one friend to set the circle rolling in a certain direction. Just make sure that the direction you’re rolling is one that is good for you.

What are you catching from your friends?

Virginia Woolf said, “A woman must have money and a room of her own,” in the context of writing fiction. Regardless of what kind of writer you are (or even if you don’t write at all) this essential truth remains valid. When we do not have money or a room of our own, what really do we possess? Yes, we may have a fabulous home, glittering new appliances, a big fat SUV or maybe none of these. What’s missing when we have things-but not space and money-are essential feelings of accomplishment and pride. Having our own money to toss down for a double cappuccino or a mani-pedi special when we want allows us to feel satisfied and successful. Owning a space within the home, or outside of it, that exists exclusively for our projects enables us to believe in the possibility of our own power, skill and abilities. In essence, creating our own space and money allows us to fully engage our authentic self and act more confidently in all areas of our life. This self-esteem tip isn’t an “either/or”, it is one that assumes “and” for highest success.

One way that women can build self-esteem in their everyday, while working toward their own space and their own money, is to choose a Confident Women Coaching Card at random from their deck. The Cards are intended to connect the reader to her Authentic Self and encourage confidence-building activities. They are a simple tool to keep the reader on track toward her goals.

Mere possessions do not build self-esteem so that we may project authentic confidence. They are static things that allow us to negotiate the world more comfortably (in the most material sense) but they cannot help us deal with unexpected life challenges, end a sour friendship or deal with the death of a partner. It is our self-esteem, amped up by space and money of our own, that permits us to move life challenges.

Where, considering all of your precious self, can money and a space of your own come from?

What’s really hot on your mind today? Are you angry about global warming or horrified and sickened by dog fighting charges against NFL Quarterback Michael Vick? I am. One easy way to feel more confident and powerful immediately, I mean, as in right now, right away, as soon as you take action is to call up someone who is in a position of power who can help influence the outcome that you want. I called Nike headquarters today. I waited 5 minutes for someone in Customer Service so I could voice my complaint about Nike’s continued endorsement of Michael Vick, even after the NFL ordered Vick out of training camp. I told her that I would no longer wear any Nike apparel, buy any Nike-related products and would urge others to do the same until they stopped their endorsement of Michael Vick. Hanging up, I felt powerful. I had already emailed Nike to voice my opposition but wanted to do a little more. I had taken a little action step which cost me nothing except 10 minutes of time to tell someone how I felt about the continued endorsement of someone as sick and cruel as Michael Vick. The dog fighting scandal cuts me to my core. I just cannot remain idle about something so important to my Authentic Self. Can you? Taking any kind of action step will always make you feel more confident because taking action begins the process of eliminating fear.

Where can you step up and take action right now on something important to you?

Where do you want/need to go? Do you have a plan to get there? If not, or if your lack of planning has always been a source of anxiety for you, may I suggest you pick up Marshall Goldsmith’s newest book, What Got You Here Won’t Get You There? I blogged about it briefly here, when I had just delved into it earlier this summer but finished it while away at the Cape. The book contains 20 habits that hold you back (from getting “there”, remember?) as well as a plethora of other bejewelled nuggets such as how you can change for the better. Here are some of my biggest takeaways which relate to everyone, not just the corporate leaders in our midst:

1) Habit #3 that holds you back: Passing Judgments. Just don’t do it. We discuss this concept at length in Uncommon Confidence. Basically, Marshall and I are advising the same thing: don’t inflict your world view on anyone except yourself. As each of us are unique, authentic beings. What works for us may not necessarily work for someone else. Judging others, Marshall tells us, pushes people away and limits our opportunities for success.

2) Habit #5 that holds you back: Starting with “No”, “But” or “However”. When we start sentences with these qualifiers, we are negating what the other person is saying. Let’s not do that. It seems obviously but here again, when we negate someone else’s worldview, we are pushing them away. We are also sending the message that we are more important than they are. We are also telling them that they are wrong. Ouch. That’s not the way to build a strong support team, now is it?

3) Changing for the better: Using active listening. When listening to someone, focus on them and add one more thing to the equation. Weigh your comment with Marshall’s indispensable sage advice, ask yourself “Is it worth it?” before you add your two pennies to the conversation. Asking yourself this will force you to focus on how the other person will feel after your comment. “Is it worth it?” will also show the other person who you are and that you care about them.

4) Changing for the better: Practicing gratitude. I have a gratitude journal and write in it daily. I feel like I do pretty well with the gratitude thing but Marshall, bless him, gave me a really good idea in this area which is so important to me. Marshall says “thank you” at the end of each phone call instead of goodbye. I love this! This is a fabulous way to show your respect for the person on the other end of the phone. It also sends a message to that person that you appreciate his or her words. You almost cannot overdue gratitude. Think about it: how many times are you sincerely thanked in one day? Not that many I would guess. Gratitude is a gift. Give and take it with grace and sincerity.

You Can’t Get There From Here, while marketed as a business/success book, offers so many riches to the average person. Interestingly what might hold the corporate executive back from getting to her place of desire is exactly what will hold you back. Perhaps every habit doesn’t apply to you (I hope not) but some will. As always, take what you want, what applies to you and leave the rest.

What is holding you back from getting There?

Assessing people, determining whether or not they are ones that support your Authentic Self is necessary. I blogged about qualifying situations recently. It’s not any less important with people. People in your life can be ideal support team folks or they can be Debbie Downers. While we know that we cannot change others (only they can change themselves) we must also realize that in order to be at a place where we can make changes that allow us to grow and thrive, we must qualify the people in our life, “Is she worth it?”

Here are three simple questions to help you identify if your relationship with _____ is worth it:

1) Who is doing the bulk of the work? Friend, romantic partner, coach, business partner or even a relative like mom, all relationships are a team effort. If you are doing the bulk of the pro-active “keep in touch” work, the team effort is off balance. Balance must be equally maintained so everyone involved feels valued and understood.

2) How are they supporting you? Or, aren’t they? Now that you have started your own home consulting/massage services/Reiki treatment business, do they have your card? Or have they offered to host an introduction party for you to their circle of friends..as you have done for them? Do they contact you only when it’s good for them, etc.? True friends will be there when you need them, not just when they need your shoulder to cry on.

3) Can they see the gain for you? To do this, they need to look beyond the cost (if there is one) to them. This is difficult for many of us and one of the reasons that family is not your best support team. Family tends to be too closely entrenched in our emotional safety to actively be able to move beyond their cost, toward our gain. People who are good for your authentic self will be able champion you without adding their own issues to the mix.

Who is currently in your life who isn’t worth it? And, the question goes the other way, who may be dropping you from their life?

I have been remiss in posting, deliberately actually, since I was away at the Cape. I decided at the last second to not take my computer. I was without my extra arm, otherwise known as my laptop, for four days. This is extraordinary. My computer is one of the safety nets in my life. Ironically, I left Connecticut for the Cape without another one of my safety nets: my glasses. This was an unintentional move, however but also extraordinary, in its own way.

Alone in a somewhat unfamiliar house, far removed from neighbors, with only the ocean for company, I kept a child’s nightlight switched on in the bathroom, adjacent to the guest bedroom where I slept so if I were to awake in the middle of the night-reaching for the glasses that were not there-I would not be totally caught unaware by utter blindness of the black night. I have wore glasses (now mainly contacts) since the Third Grade. My glasses are another extra appendage, such a part of me that to not have them by my bedside table is like Tom Hanks waking up to suddenly Big.

Safety nets are a necessity in our lives. They exist to protect and secure us from trouble, meanness, or really any life situation that threatens to shake the foundations of our Authentic Self. When we abandon all of our safety nets, we are less confident in dealing effectively with any of life’s challenges. Venturing into the unfamiliar i.e. taking a well deserved vacation throws us into a tizzy of new. So, in order to not become flustered, panicked or emotionally overwrought by the disruption to your routine, take along a few safety nets. While I didn’t take my computer, I did take both of my Moleskine notebooks; two of the books that I was in the midst of reading; my trusty bear and other miscellaneous sundries that keep me sane..aka other safety nets.

What are your safety nets?

How often are you connecting with any of your support teams? I mean, any of them: your support group of moms or that of female business owners or maybe even your dance buddies. Quality time with your support team = quality time spent on your Authentic Self’s growth and thrive-ability.
For example, last Friday morning I spent 90 minutes with Sarah Sitham, the owner of Revamp, a business that offers professional organizing and estate clearing services. Even though the meeting was more about me fine-tuning some elements of my interview with her (read what Michael Steltzner says about interviewing in a recent blog post here), Sarah shared a few thoughts that gave me tremendous value for my own work. This was huge for me. When you take the time to connect with support team folks, there is no end to the treasures that will flow your way. This isn’t difficult. You just need to take (schedule in my case) the time to connect. And, the treasure isn’t just insight into your own work. The treasure may also be affirmation, companionship, opportunity, inspiration or financial gain.

How is treasure heading your way…or isn’t it?

If you are in a business like mine, one where I am primarily selling an intangible service (helping women build “me first” skills and mindset) and as opposed to an tangible service (housepainting, yoga instruction), you likely attract people who need clarification on what it is you actually do. Selling “soft skills” like coaching tend to attract questions that clarify more than would be required when contracting a painter. You want to know what the process is, what you will learn, how you will learn, what is expected of you and what you can expect.

So, regardless of the service field, questions from potential clients require attention and thought even if the issues that surface are generally the same. But, one question which ends up being a great qualifier for me (I blogged about qualifiers recently here) is “Am I bothering you?”. People who assume that their questions are a bother generally can use a little (or perhaps a lot) of self-esteem work, at least in the area of accepting their right to be satisfied or successful, if not in other areas. Women who assume that their questions are a bother are also more likely to use dis-empowering language when they talk about themselves. Think about this. If you assume your question is an inconvenience, then aren’t you spreading the message (both to yourself and others) that your thoughts or ideas are unimportant? You may do this by disparaging yourself in qualifying your statement or question with, “I’m sorry but…” or “I don’t know much about ____ but…” or even by not offering an opinion or idea (when asked or otherwise). Aren’t you saying by these actions and language that you have less of a right to information than others do? I think that you are.

Where do you sabotage your self-esteem?

How do you qualify certain situations or opportunities? Do you think and think and think some more? Or, do you just act, hoping that your decision will turn out okay? While assessing what you are going to act on is essential, we can overdo this. For many women who were raised to be good girls, assessing situations often means valuing the opinion of others before our own. Do you do this? Gather input by asking the opinion of others, using perhaps this qualifying time as a way to gather approval? This can backfire, of course, if your opportunity is at all risky or unusual e.g. quitting your “perfectly good” job to take two summer months off or spending a week at a convention leaving husband home alone with the baby and kid.

Others use this assessment time as a way to connect with someone, using our opportunity as a conversation point. While this seems like a good idea in theory i.e. checking in with someone, getting their feedback, using feedback to make a decision, this too can backfire. Discourse around opportunities is not an ideal way to connect with someone. More than likely these opportunities are special to your Authentic Self (in some way) or you wouldn’t have brought them up in the first place. Discourse around opportunities must take place with your bestest support team folks e.g. your coach or mentor, your best friend who always says the right things. Opportunities that surface for your Authentic Self are, in many ways, gifts. They must be treated carefully even if we ultimately decide not to act on them.

On the other hand, acting without qualifying not only wastes time, money, and precious energy but it also dulls your attention span and makes you less confident in decision-making. What to do?

Here are three easy ways to identify if ______(insert situation of the moment here) is worth it.

1) How does the opportunity tie in with your Authentic Self? Look at your values first. If, for example, your values are
“sweet clarity”, “wild environment”, “mystery mistress” and “mother tongue”, do any of these essential aspects of what make you, you connect to the opportunity? No, what about passions? How do they tie in? If they don’t but perhaps a random talent or skill (one that you can do backwards in your sleep) does, think twice about this opportunity. We use our talents and skills more in our everyday so they are often a natural default for us. And this is fabulous if they can contribute meaningful to another opportunity, but if they cannot be the sole reason for accepting an opportunity.

2) How will this opportunity make you better? This one is more simple. Will the situation that is being gifted to you raise you higher, challenge you to be bigger, allow you to act more powerfully, encourage you to dream more clearly, etc.? If you are unsure, ask a few more questions to gain greater insight into what the benefits are to you? Will this new opportunity gift you with something that allows you to more time to do _____________? Or will this opportunity permit you to ____________ which means that you are in a better position to quit/pursue _____________. If one of your goals in life is to become the truest version of your Authentic Self that you possibly can, then using this question to qualify the situation in front of you will be incredibly helpful. If you are unfamiliar with who that truest version of you might be, this question will be trickier. I recommend for newbies in this area, Finding Your Own North Star by Martha Beck. Aside from an in-person workshop with me, I can think of no better place to start.

3) How do you feel about the opportunity? Settle yourself into a quiet place and present the opportunity again to your Authentic Self. Allow yourself to sink in and really experience what kind of emotions or sensations are happening in your body when you ask her this question. If you are feeling sickened, nauseous, frightened or tied up in knots, this opportunity may need to be passed. If, however, you feel a little nervous (remember, butterflies in the stomach don’t always mean nausea; they can mean excitement or nervous energy), excited or perhaps even a little apprehensive, then this opportunity may be a good go for you. It’s essential that we listen to how we feel in our bodies before we proceed. This act gets us into the habit of accessing body and using it to recognize what is means to make the right decisions for us.

In what situation can you use one or all of these three ways to clarify your next steps?

PS. I have had women write me and tell me that choosing one of the cards within a deck of Confident Women Coaching Cards helped them qualify situations. There is a little promise of serendipity in the act of choosing a random card which is simultaneously beautiful and fun.

Like the often cruel Simon Cowell, people love success stories. And, Paul Potts is one of those come-from-behind success stories that people continue to talk about. I first heard of him a week ago when I received Cheryl Richardson’s weekly ezine. He was a cellphone salesman (no longer!) from South Wales who decided to take a deep breath and enter Britain’s Got Talent, the UK version of American Idol. At Round #1 (the 3ish minute clip available to the world outside of the UK; thank you YouTube!), Potts tells the camera, “My dream is to spend my life doing what I feel like I was born to do…”. When Amanda asks Potts, “Paul, what are you here for, Paul…”, Potts replies,
“To sing opera”. The wincing begins and the viewer feels a little sick for Paul Potts. Potts, an overweight, not particularly dashing 36-year old guy with bad teeth and a sweet smile. He nods to the tech gal and so it begins.

Early in the clip Potts tells the camera, “Confidence has always been a difficult thing for me.…I’ve always found it a little bit difficult being completely confident in myself.” And, who hasn’t? Confidence can be a rather elusive element within us. How do we get it; where does it come from; why do some have it and others clearly lack it? One of the ways to get more of it, as Potts so eloquently illustrates, is to take a risk…a big one, in Potts’ case but it needn’t be large. Any old risk will immediately flush us full of confidence. Whether it lasts or not, depends on what we do with next. If we continue to take risks, we will become more confident. If we stop, we won’t. Staying safe, swaddled in beige and vanilla, won’t help us become more confident. Confidence demands risk-taking and other authentic self actions.

Where can you take a Paul Potts-style risk?