According to temp firm Randstad Holding NV, the top pet peeve that people have is being condescended to. Coming in a close second is being publicly reprimanded. And yet, I often observe women subject to both of these egregious behaviors by choice.
Let’s look at the example of “Karen”,a mid 40’s woman who works out with a male trainer at my gym. The trainer, an aggressive Napoleon type (not Dynamite but the other one) who has no qualms about making his clients look like absolute idiots whether it is prostrating herself on the floor in an attempt to _______ or walking backwards like a crab in front of everyone else present. Not only does Karen (not the most fit woman in the world as it is) look completely foolish in the exercises (who wouldn’t?) but in doing so, he completely embarasses her. Karen clearly isn’t very confident but in Napoleon’s presence, she shrinks rather than be empowered. While I am never quite close enough to hear the language of their discussions, Napoleon’s behavior in his training sessions veers closer to patronizing than it does inspiring.
I cannot help wonder when women like Karen will wake up and move on. Is it when a friend of theirs gives them a deck of Confident Women Coaching Cards? Or when they start to admire another friend’s decisions to finally put herself and her children first and leave her marriage? 
Unfortunately, if we don’t see enough other women putting themselves first, it is very difficult for us to think of making choices that honor who we are, to make a choice to say “no” to a trainer who is demeaning, to say “yes” to ending a relationship, or to say “no” to a boss who publicly embarasses you. Why is it that one of my clients gets a bucketful of wet sand thrown on her idea to quit her job and explore other options while the eight women in Awaken Your Passion all agree that they can see why a woman would leave a “perfectly good” job? It’s all about who you surround yourself with. So, really the answer to when the wake-up call will ring for Karen is inextricably linked to when she decides to look at who is right next to her and are they good enough?
Perhaps, prior to working with me, those eight women might not have been able to comprehend leaving a perfectly good job but they sure as heck do now. Tolerating condescension, reprimand or embarassment is a sure way to leave your self-esteem behind in a sad pile. The women who work with me know this, and blessedly pass it on. The message is that the folks around you should be lifting you up, inspiring you, alerting you to unacceptable behaviors, challenging you to take risks, etc.
Who treats you like less than?
I blogged about creating more time here and thought that early Summer is a ripe time to reap more time into your days. 
Fire Your ______ (insert own disparaging descriptor here) Client. If you work for yourself, you can do this. More than likely you have one; you have a client who drains your energy, disrespect your methods, demands more than they give or maybe even just bullies you or your staff. If so, create more time (and the opportunity for better) by ditching these folks. Each of these subversive behaviors lowers your self-esteem and thus the confidence in yourself that you have to do your work. You can’t allow that! But even if you don’t run sola, the idea still applies. You can fire your boss by quitting your job or asking for a transfer. If you are like some of the women that I work with, you might even have 2 jobs, one of which is suckier than the other. Fire that one.
Raise your rates. Here again you can do this even if you work for someone else. If it has been a year or more since your last raise, it’s time to negotiate a raise. Most of us don’t part with money easily so it never benefits us to wait for someone to offer us more money. Let me say that another way: if we wait for someone to offer us more money out of the goodness of their heart, we might as well be waiting for our Social Security to kick in. Asking for more money takes us out of our comfort zone. We immediately become more confident about our ability to negotiate on our own behalf and our power to make money. And if you are a small business owner, you should also be raising your rates once a year. Yes, some folks will drop away but the ones you want will stay.
Get Help. This is a tricky one for me. I went through a time last summer when I advertised for a part-time assistant and got more responses than I had ever imagined. It was a nightmarish process which I haven’t totally recovered from. But I know that sooner rather than later, I will need an admin helper to handle the bottom 10% of my work which isn’t a good use of my time. Freeing up your time because you have delegated some of the tasks that really zap you is an incredibly empowering action. Consider also bartering for the help you need. Do you cut hair? Barter a haircut for a massage or vice versa. I’ll be helping Petria out at The Vintage Fashion and Textile Show in exchange for a store credit. The key is to get creative; what do you have to offer that others might need?
Which of these three ways can you immediately apply to your life?
If you are considering purpose or your lack thereof, then read on. Life work is connected to purpose. Purpose is something that we all strive to find so that our days may more accurately reflect our Authentic Self. My friend Petria May is a good example of this. Her passion for vintage and designer fashion is represented in her business: both in her retail store and in her writing. This is no mere hobby for Petria; this is her life work.
When you understand who your Authentic Self is, you can determine your purpose. Voila! You then have your life work. But what about hobby? So, what’s the difference and what does it matter?
Here are five ways to distinguish between hobby and work:
• A hobby is something to which you dedicate your occasional spare time. Life work is practically inseparable from your daily life. A day without your life work isn’t vacation as it might be in a 9-5 job but an aberration from the norm.
• A hobby’s primary purpose is pleasure. Life work is pleasurable but will also include unexpected wrinkles or kinks. Those unanticipated challenges don’t stop life work for long, however. Because life work is grounded in Authentic Self obstacles are willingly worked around.
• A hobby is something that is indulged in periodically but life work is something that you lose time in, that you must do, something that swallows you up and inspires you, something that fizzes within you like a hot fountain. Hobbies generally are acted on less frequently.
• A hobby will never be service-oriented because it is primarily about you! Life work is service-oriented; either by the example that you set as you live your Authentic Self or by the end result (a product or service for example) of your life work.
• A hobby doesn’t usually involve payment. Life work, while a representation of your Authentic Self, shouldn’t connote an image of an unpaid desperate artist. Allowing life work to be compromised by not taking payment or being under-paid shrinks your confidence about the work that you are doing.
Catherine Muther, founder of the Three Guineas Fund, said, “If you have a passion, then you have something to contribute. It’s not about asking, ‘What should I do?’ it’s about asking ‘What is my passion?‘.”
Starting in September, I will be offering a new teleseries grounded in some of these very ideas (life work, Authentic Self and purpose). To share some of your ideas on what it should include, click here and take my briefer than brief survey.
I definitely work more than 1.5 hours per day. But Steve Pavlina, according to Lisa Belkin’s article, Time Wasted? Perhaps It’s Well Spent, claims that 1.5 hours a day is about right. If this seems as unbelievable to you as it does to me, Belkin points out that we aren’t alone. 
She, too, works more than 1.5 hours per day. And, there are of course, numbers to support the greater hours that we work. Many of us work beyond the hours that we are actually at our desk. We respond to calls in the car or waiting in line. We check email while at the library. But the point of the article is not to highlight how hard we all work or to wonder about Pavlina’s methods but to emphasize that sometimes work is done in the downtime, or so-called wasted time. If I am too busy to chat briefly with other women about what’s on their mind, what might be seen as “wasting time”, then I might as well throw in the towel. As an expert in women’s self-esteem issues, I rely on my own research (which includes intimate conversation with both random women and clients) as a way to design tools and strategies for women to use to feel more confident. “What appears to be wasted time is really jell time.” Belkin says and this is certainly true for me.
Yes, it can be easy to really waste time. We get lost on the internet amidst an overwhelm of resources, our connection speed is low so we get easily distracted by multitasking as we wait or we dabble in household miscellany with mindless television blaring in the background. So we need to differentiate between what is truly a waste of our time (internet play for example) and what activities help feed our life work.
What’s truly wasting your time?
I am a huge fan of Nancy Drew books. 
I grew up on Nancy, starting to read about her travels and the excitement of mystery solving when I was in 3rd Grade (my first 3rd Grade experience with the heavily lipsticked and wildly erratic Mrs. Miller at IDS). Books were a beautiful solace then (and now), and unrealized at the time, my inspiration. Nancy helped people; young and old, poor and rich, Nancy pooled her resources, took off in her blue roadster (does roadster = convertible?) and sped away to find the answers. And, she did. She always did but she wasn’t alone. Nancy leaned on her support team of friends Bess and George and of course her dependable lawyer father along with her housekeeper Hannah Gruen and her sometimes present boyfriend, Ned. It would be the fictional Nancy who taught lessons of generosity and kindness to me along with the importance of support team, certainly not my other favorite, albeit immensely different, heroine, Scarlett O’Hara–to whom generosity was usually a dirty word.
So, it was with much glee that I learned about the Nancy Drew movie (yes, without television, I am not always the early bird when it comes to pop culture advances) which debuted last weekend. From what I read in Newsweek, the Nancy Drew movie sticks pretty closely to the Nancy of the books. Actress Emma Roberts plays the straight-laced Nancy and says, “She’s okay with being herself,”. No small task in adolescent female America today but if Roberts can pull this off without having Nancy look too dorky and unrealistic. But if this succeeds and Roberts’ Nancy can model uncompromising authentic, then we have a winner. Teen girls need to see more images of “real” girls. Perhaps Roberts’ Nancy can be that model. Not every teen is high, steals the family car and gets pulled over for drunk driving. But these images of fast, sexy and daring are ones that are more routinely pushed at young girls until they start to question their own behavior. So, of course I’ll go see it…and be the only adult female in the theatre with my popcorn and without kids.
Who inspired you as a child….and now?
On Tuesday afternoon, I attended a screening of “NO!” The Rape Documentary by Aishah Shahidah Simmons. It was an event that was sponsored by The Connecticut Sexual Assault Crisis Services Inc. and the Institute for Violence Prevention and Reduction at the University of Connecticut, School of Social Work. With statistics like 1 out of 3 women in the United States will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime, sexual violence against women is hard to ignore. Simmons, a rape and incest survivor, spent 11 years on NO!. She is the writer, producer and director of the film and since its debut in 2006, has been lecturing on her film.
A few of the lessons of the film caught my attention because they seemed so relevant to all women–not just African American women, whom the film centers on. These lessons are all about feeling good/better about yourself and not allowing control of your actions to be usurped by someone else, whether person or society.
Instead of succumbing to the shame of a truth (as a rape or incest survivor), Simmons claims those truths for herself by owning and admitting to them honestly. She is then in a better position to control the feelings associated with these truths and lessen the shame. Gloria Steinem does this with her age. She tells almost all audiences that she speaks to exactly how old she is (73) as a way to diffuse the shame and embarassment that surrounds women with their age. Telling our truth shrinks our shame around that truth, whatever it may be.
In Uncommon Confidence, 
we spend a good deal of time learning how to differentiate between what is good for our Authentic Self and what is not good. We learn how to say “no” to situations, people or committments that don’t serve us. Obviously in Simmons’ film, the concept of what it means to say “no” comes up a great deal. One of the women in the film, perhaps Dr. Aaronette White, said that women don’t think that they have the right to say “no” in sexual situations for three main reasons (1) if the man is sexually aroused (2) If it’s late and they are already in his apartment or house (3) If they have had sexual intercourse before. Knowing these three reasons, saying “no” in other circumstances (to a job offer, to a marriage proposal to the decision to have another child) becomes all the more important. Because if we cannot say “no” in the more common, everyday scenarios that ask us to make a decision, it will be harder for us to believe that we can say “no” in other, more grave situations. We always have the right to say “no”, regardless of the circumstances.
Simmons’ film is an essential one for everyone to watch. Issues like gender, race and sexuality are relevant to all of us, even if we are not African-American. The powerful first person testimonials are difficult to watch but are so powerful and inspiring. Click here for the trailer.
Where can the lessons of “NO!” apply to your life?
Buzz is what each company wants for their product. We want customers talking about our product to their friends and in doing so, to give the coolness nod to our creation. After all, we talk about products that we like which influences our friends and colleagues and perhaps, just perhaps persuades them to pick up our product. 
This is viral marketing. For more on this, check out Seth Godin’s Unleashing The Idea Virus which is an absolutely fabulous and inspiring read. But how can we, as the company with a product, help facilitate this enviable word-of-mouth marketing? Look no further than the bag of chips on your counter for an actionable idea, my friend. The crazy chip folks at Doritos are creating that enviable buzz as they begin their launch of a new product (yes, a chip). They have done 3 clever things that will pique customer interest in their new product (no small feat given the crowded snackfood market).
The Doritos folks have not yet named the new chips but have asked consumers to suggest names via their website.
To build momentum and curiousity, Doritos sold the chips (clad in mysterious black packaging) on eBay two weeks before they hit stores.
Doritos has produced a limited number of bags of chips to sell, thus creating an air of exclusivity and priviledge to the folks who have bought bags.
These three pieces help ensure customer buy-in and encourage buzz via viral marketing. The actions that Doritos has taken aren’t difficult to do, more expensive to carry-out or egregiously time-consuming but they are extremely clever. Doritos has partnered with their consumer to achive their goal of selling chips. Whenever your company can partner with your client to sell more of your product, you are in a win-win position. And, of course the more products you sell, the greater your visibility, the higher your profits and the stronger your power and control. Each of these pieces helps to strengthen the business basket of your self-esteem.
How are you creating buzz….for other products or for your own?
What happens when you meet new people? Or, do you avoid situations where you might need to talk to people that are strangers to you? Tuesday evening, I hosted an open Passionality (part passion, part community) where thirty women, many of whom were meeting me and other new women for the first time, gathered to talk, eat, laugh and ask each other “What’s one wish that you have for yourself?”.
When I announced, through my bi-weekly ezine, In The Pink, that I was hosting such an evening, questions flowed: “what is it?” or “What are we doing?”. The most apprehensive of the questioners didn’t attend. I didn’t really expect them to. It will be difficult enough for them to attend Uncommon Confidence even though their best friends have talked it up for months and the changes within those same friends are obvious and enviable. But the women who did attend are ones who I am so glad to have met and am now quite eager to work with. They are hungry for personal change. They are ready to do the work. They are desirous of the confidence and ease that they see flow from women who have attended my workshops or coaching circles. They impress me with their courage.
When women take it upon themselves to meet other women, whether in a Passionality or through a class, they are taking a risk. They are risking their safety and their comfort zone. The “for what?” is hard to see when you are on the cusp of a leap. 
Sometimes, you just need to make the leap. The reward may be a gentle net to catch you or it may be a amiable hand to give you a boost or it may be a patient ear to support you. Whatever appears is a gift. It’s a gift that we all deserve for taking such a brave leap. The gift, however, won’t appear if we don’t take the leap. But what I know to be true is that 30 women left Irving Farm Coffeehouse on Tuesday night smiling and no longer feeling alone: the gift visible on their faces and in their hearts.
Where are you taking a leap this week?
Does a rose by any other name smell as sweet? Unsure? Instead of calling the rose, a rose, call it “garlic” instead. Would it still smell as lush? For many of us, the name of something does impact how we feel about it. Imagine sitting down in a restaurant, perusing the dinner menu and reading descriptions of items which included more unusual adjectives for food like “stinky” or “sour”. Brian Wansink, author of Mindless Eating has discovered, among other fascinating tidbits regarding people and food, that “foods with descriptive names sold 27% more..even though they were priced exactly the same”. We tend to order food which sounds good. The bottomline is that the name of something (whether person or flower) can influence how the outside world perceives that object.
So, what about when you get married? If a name influences how we think of others, naturally it can also influence how we think of ourselves. If you would like to change your name to adopt your spouse’s name (or a combination thereof), you better live in one of the only 6 states in the US that will allow you to legally take your wife’s last name. If you live in New York (one of those 6 states) but marry in Connecticut, you’ re out of luck. However, if you are a woman who wants to take your husband’s last name, no such obstacles exist. Hmmmmm…
Obviously, a great deal is wrapped up in a name. Our identity is contained in our name; how we think about ourselves and how we allow the world to see us. 
Our name is a reflection of ourselves. If we know this to be true then our name is linked to our self-esteem. Because the manner in which we are addressed has a direct reflection on how we feel about ourselves. Why else would someone name their business after themselves (Petria Boutiq)? Why else would some people insist on having their title i.e. doctor on their credit card or noted on their license plate? Why else would a woman ask to be addressed by her full first name (Elizabeth) instead of the name she was called as a child (Liz)?
What does your name say about you?
“I love the challenge of starting at zero every day and seeing how much I can accomplish.” says Martha Stewart. I love this too. If only we can give ourselves a break at the end of the day and say, “I’m going to start again fresh tomorrow.” instead of lamenting our mistakes, losses, missed opportunties, and unspoken words. Each day is fresh and a miracle. We build self-esteem by forgiving ourselves and committing to taking another risk tomorrow regardless of the outcome of today’s risk. If Ms. Stewart can allow herself to start fresh everyday, we can too.
How do you begin your day?
Last month US Representative Carolyn Maloney (D-NY) re-introduced her Breastfeeding Promotion Act which would amend the Civil Rights Act of 1964 to include the protection of breast-feeding and to provide a tax incentive to businesses that establish lactation areas. It’s about time. While I am not a mom, I do tire of going out to public places with new moms which do not have a place where moms can breast-feed in private. But on the other hand, breast-feeding in public shouldn’t be as big of a deal as it is. Ruth Lawrence, the Chair of the American Academy of Pediatrics‘ breast-feeding committe, thinks it’s all about confidence. Most women aren’t as confident as they could be, and moms are no exception. 
For example, if we aren’t confident in our body, are we really going to confident breast-feeding our child in public? Likely not. Confidence is one of those juicy qualities that once strong in one area, it sloshes into other areas of our life.
Where do you need more juice?
The June issue of Health magazine an article on binge eating features based on a health.com poll that they conducted. Over 1000 women responded and 82% of the respondents reported that “they’d gone on a binge where they felt they couldn’t stop eating”. This is scary stuff. The reason for this crazy, out of control eating? Displaced emotionns, experts say. I agree. Whenever we are not dealing with our emotions in a healthy way, we are a lot more likely to find ourselves acting in ways that we wish we weren’t or saying things (to ourselves or others) that we wish we hadn’t. Food, like alcohol or drugs, provides a temporary escape from the reality of an abusive partner or a miserable job. 
It’s simply easier to delve into the comfort of food than it is to confront, head-on the reality of what is truly causing you pain.
Temporary escape, while enjoyable while you’re there, isn’t a viable, healthy option long-term for our Authentic Self. Escape from our emotions isn’t an action that is going to make you more confident about yourself. Flight makes you less confident. It makes you more likely to recognize the experience of joy or pleasure when it actually does come around. Flight makes you more anxious, less able to relax and take in life and more apt to fear change.
Dr. Mona Lisa Schulz tells us that our emotions have a purpose. They tell us something has shifted and that shift is asking for a response from us. How we respond is up to us. We can binge or go on a alcoholic bender or we can own up to what is going on and examine why we are feeling powerless or unhappy. It’s not easy. But when you consider your one and only life, it doesn’t seem quite as hard as it might have initially appeared to be. When you think back to how you saw life as a child–bright, exciting and endless–you might be more inclined to speak up next time instead of heading to Taco Bell drive-through.
Where are you not owning your emotions and what is happening as a result?
The bottomline, speedy, straight shooter answer is that you cannot, try as you might, “tune out” ads. Dr. Jean Kilbourne says that sometimes when she is lecturing at college campuses or other places (this woman gets around; she has lectured in about 1/2 of all the colleges and universities in the US according to her bio), she is told (by the man or woman often wearing the Abercrombie logo blazed all over their hat or sweatshirt) that they “don’t pay attention to ads; they just tune them out.” Yeah, right. Did the Abercrombie apparel materialize at your door or did you (more likely I would say) buy it from the imposingly huge Abercrombie store in the mall?
The truth is that advertising (print ads, television commercials, etc.) seep into your unconscious and plant certain ideas in your brain in the process. For women, they plant certain ideas: how you look is the most important aspect of who you are; perfection is attainable if you just try hard enough; your sexuality depends on acting innocent but also experienced, not too powerful and able to be “taken”. The messages of advertising for women are related solely to the physical body; acting sexual and being thin = desirable. The ideas that are planted in the mind’s of men can be just as damaging: masculinity can be violent and women respond positively to that; success depends solely on financial status; physical needs are more important than emotional needs.
On Wednesday evening I will facilitate a group discussion along with Women’s Support Services Director Judy Sheridan on Dr. Jean Kilbourne’s film, Killing Us Softly III. The evening is free and open to the public. We start at 7:00 pm.
How do your perceptions of how you are supposed to be hold you back?
There has been a thread on the CTI Main List about the difference between coaching and therapy. It’s a question that comes up frequently enough for me when people are hearing of coaching for the first time. I have always explained this way: coaching deals with the present person, where they are now and where they want to go. Therapy deals mainly with past issues and healing traumas. Coaching also holds the client resourceful and whole, not broken. 
Coaches believe that the client knows the answers and that it is their role to ask the questions to get them to the answer for them.
I believe that many women in therapy should actually be working with a coach. Therapy seems to be a default action for too many of us. It’s an understandably easy default for a few reasons. One of which is that coaching is not subsidized by your insurance company but therapy is, more often than not. Another reason is that it’s easier to follow the societal doctrine that we are not the expert of our own life; that we must get the answers from someone else. Someone who knows more than we do, someone who can tell us what to do. This is easier to do than to ask ourselves tough questions. It also can be difficult to find someone to validate your emotions as okay.
Next Tuesday I start an in-person Coaching Circle at Hammertown Barn in Pine Plains. We meet every other Tuesday for a minimum of four sessions or a maximum of twelve with an option to continue after the twelve. These women will have the support of me and each other as they focus on actualizing personal change in their life. We won’t be re-hashing past events or seeking to understand the emotion behind actions. We will be visualizing the future and planning the action steps that we need to take to get us there.
How will you manifest the change(s) you want for yourself?
…is usually the easiest path. Most of the time we do the easy thing. We don’t broach an uncomfortable subject, make a difficult phone call or take a big step outside our comfort zone. Most of us take the easy route on a regular basis. We can see where the easy route gets us -not anywhere cool or different to be sure but there is something to be said for familiarity. The road less traveled is unclear. We imagine that it is fraught with potential embarassment, scary risks, and perhaps alienation from friends and family. This may be true. But we won’t ever know unless we actually venture down that road, will we? 
The problem with stepping onto that road is that the potential benefits of taking the less traveled road are less apparent than the imagined dangers. Embarassment and alienation are experiences that we have suffered before which we don’t feel inclined to re-visit again. The joy of exploration, the sweet pleasure of authentic connection or the rush of validation, however, may be less familiar. Less familiar and therefore less tangible than a past humilation which somehow seems to have the ability to linger around, sometimes well after the experience has ended.
Stepping onto the road less traveled is like trying something new on a menu. You won’t know if you like chipotle if you don’t try it. And, if you try it and like it, perhaps now you will be inclined start using incoporating it into your cooking. And, if you try it and hate it, what is lost, really? Some of your precious time, your dining experience perhaps or maybe your enchantment with the chef. Nothing significant in the big picture of your life.
What’s the name of the road you are on?
The thing is, although I am only 1/3 of the way through Marshall Goldsmith’s newest book [What Got You Here Won't Get You There], I still feel compelled to blog about an immediate take-away. This is unusual for me since I usually wait until I am finished with the book to blog.
One of the ideas that I love which is mentioned very early on in the book is to start a “To Stop” list. We all have a virtual cornucopia of “To Do’s” (ones for the kids; the summer; the business this year; the business next year, etc.). They help keep us on track and focused. What we don’t have is a list of behaviors that we need to stop doing.
This “To Stop” list will serve as a reminder to us of what we really need to avoid doing. And this list isn’t just for top level executives, such as the folks that Marshall usually coaches. Perhaps you are trying to lose weight; your “To Stop” list might include “eating in the car” or “finishing the kids’ dinner” or “eating in front of the television”, etc. See? Anyone can use this kind of list. I am definitely going to borrow this idea as an activity for my next Coaching Circle. The only piece that I would add on here is that I would keep the list limited to no more than 8 specific items (see above examples) so you can avoid overwhelm. A small list will also help you remember what’s actually on the list.
Pick up the book. It isn’t just for “successful” corporate America. The down-to-earth, practical nature of Marshall’s ideas are do-able for pretty much anyone. This is good stuff.
What can go on your “To Stop” list?
Seeking: Women ages 25-50 who were previously attorneys who changed careers but who practiced law for at least three years for participation in an on-line survey. If interested in sharing your experience anonymously, contact me at 860 481 1804 or via email at johnsone20@southernct.edu
No, Virginia, I am not talking about branding yourself in the traditional sense. This quote is from one of the escorts from the alleged prostitution ring of Deborah Jeane Palfrey, the “DC Madam”. Her quote refers to the “role-playing and packaging” of herself as a part-time prostitute. The escort, who for obvious reasons requested anonymity when speaking with Newsweek in the June 4 issue, worked as a financial consultant making close to $60K per year and yet, and yet, still felt the need to prostitute herself. She tells Newsweek that she misses the work. Huh? I can’t help but wonder what self-respecting woman chooses to sell her body…a woman who has numerous other options in her life?
The majority of women who prostitute themselves have little other choice in their lives, are often suffering from a drug or alcohol addiction, the vast majority of whom (estimates range from 75-95%) have been sexually abused as a child. What is going on in the mind of the woman above who agreed to talk to Newsweek? The bottom line is that healthy women don’t choose humiliation through the abuse of their body. Someone who chooses such a lifestyle who clearly has other healthier choices (which is fair to assume given her career and the amount of money she makes) is suffering from low self-esteem in more ways than the obvious. Perhaps prostituting herself makes her feel powerful or in charge. Perhaps prostituting herself allows her to engage in some kind of revenge against wrongs that she feels have been committed against her. Whatever the reason, she needs help. When we make a choice that demeans our authentic self, we suffer and not just in that moment. When we continue to make choices that demean our authentic self, we lose self-esteem and with it any chances of authentic satisfaction, success and joy.
Where do you sabotage your Authentic Self?
Ok, so I guessed on more than a few of the questions in this quiz. But the point is that I have always prided myself on being a bit of a nerd so I was curious to see where my nerd level ranked compared to The Copywriting Maven, whose post I saw on her nerdy level. It turns out that she is nerdier (by just a few points, if you must know) than I am.
Yes, I like to sit close to the front row when I am taking a class. I also am pursuing a Master’s of Arts in Women’s Studies, take notes in multiple colors and have absolutely no idea what my IP address is, although I admit that’s something that perhaps I should know. But the bottom line is that I am okay with these characteristics of me. And, if they make me somewhat of a nerd, that’s okay too. It’s essential to accept all pieces of ourselves, even the ones that we may not necessarily value. Perhaps you disdain your ability to make peace successfully within your family. Instead of thinking of yourself as a skillful negotiator, you consider yourself wishy-washy or a people-pleaser. Your contempt for an Authentic Self skill makes you less confident in yourself and all of your other abilities.
Where do you belittle your natural skills or talents?
Are you a tortoise or a hare? Do you move greyhound fast, breezing over bumps in the road (and people) like a female James Bond, rushing to save the world before you run out of time? Or, do you deliberate, hesitate, move slowly toward an idea, waiting for it to manifest? I am part hare more than I am part tortoise. I dislike slow although waiting for almost anything usually yields me great benefits.
The trick is to incorporate tortoise and hare characteristics into your persona. Both animals have admirable qualities. 
The hare in you will get you to jump on on opportunity, call up a new client, ask for more money and never give up. The tortoise in you will help you smell the lilacs along the way, pass up good for great, savor your successes and take breaks as needed. Too much of one or the other, however, does not a recipe for Authentic Self success make i.e. too much hare will prompt you to settle for less, wait to be asked or be risk-averse. Authentic Self su
ccess is a blend of tortoise and hare characteristics.
While “slow and steady” doesn’t always win the race, madly dashing off in a direction before considering if the direction makes sense doesn’t usually win you any races either.
Where are you dashing off or moving too slowly?