In response to George F.Will’s 1/29 column (Golly, What Did Jon Do?), I wrote a letter to the editor of Newsweek. Who knows what they will do with it but the gist is here:
I would like to mention the very real factor that not all American families are financially able to care for a child diagnosed with Down’s Syndrome as apparently Mr. Will and his family had been able to do for their son,Jon–the person with Down’s Syndrome used as an example in Mr. Will’s piece. Add a lack of quality daycare in this country into the mix and then combine it with the fact that many parents must work outside the home in order to support themselves and a complex situation (Who cares for this child?) just gets more difficult, with few answers available. Until America starts to place more value on supporting working moms 
(the majority of caregivers in the US) by offering flexible work options, excellent childcare, standard healthcare and a living wage many families will continue to opt out of having children, including special needs children, all together. It is a choice that they simply cannot afford. For more information (and to see the inspiration behind this letter, visit Moms Rising and check out The Motherhood Manifesto). Everyone needs to read this book.
In Uncommon Confidence, I ask the women in the first session to name some women that they believe to be confident. Women like Oprah Winfrey, Katie Couric and Dana Reeve are often named in addition to friends, aunts, moms and mentors. One of the women who I often name is Martha Stewart. I have learned that you are either a fan of Martha Stewart or you aren’t; there doesn’t seem to be any middle ground. I’m a fan. I greatly admire the way that Stewart built her company from scratch based on her passions, her strong relentless ‘never give up’ work ethic and her dedication to beauty, creativity and customer service. 
So, based on these reasons, I decided to check out one of her newest books, The Martha Rules.
The Martha Rules came about, as she tells readers in the introduction, after a conversation with some of the women that she met in Alderson FPC where Stewart spent 5 months in 2005. These women had approached Stewart about an idea that they had for their own business, after their release from prison. Stewart listened to their ideas and gave them some advice. She realized that the principles that she had based her business on would be invaluable to new entrepreneurs starting out. Enter the publication of The Martha Rules.
Stewart reads the audio version of the book and although her reading voice is similar to the tone that she uses on her shows and in interviews (a tad overly serious, somewhat monotone with little emotional inflection), the audio version is still well worth embarking into. Her Rules are not all that different from other similarly themed business books but the unique embellishments upon the basics along with her own real-life stories of people who are living these rules make the book simultaneously personal and inspiring. Some of my favorite messages (not necessarily the Rules) are ones that I really resonate with in my own business:
- Make It Beautiful –One look at the care and depth of my Confident Women Coaching Cards will instantly tell anyone who doesn’t know me that I greatly prize the beautiful. Indeed, one of my personal values is Everyday Beauty. I think everyone’s lives can be enhanced with adding more beauty to them.
- Remember Your Customers—One of my goals is to make women’s lives better by helping them becoming more confident in their everyday life. This is not something that I take lightly. Because it is a big one, I work continually on providing the highest value that I can to my customers.
- Waste Nothing—Waste can be a serious issue in any business even if the owner doesn’t necessarily generate products. My business tends to be more service-oriented but this message is still important. I applied this idea of eliminating waste to my own business by considering where I might be wasting time, energy and resources.
In short The Martha Rules are a must for any entrepreneur to pick up. I disagree with the critics who say that the Rules are specific to a craft-oriented business; I believe that each of her Rules can be applied to anyone’s business regardless if they have products to sell or are service-oriented. Stewart is a savvy business woman who inspires and through her message of pursuing passion as career empowers the Authentic Self within all of us.
My first ever virtual Coaching Circle begins Sunday 2/4 and will run for 10 sessions with the participants meeting every other week via their home phone from 8-9pm EST. Past Coaching Circles that I have done have been in person but because the reach of my list crosses the tri-state area, I decided to offer the same Coaching Circle idea but virtually so the attendees don’t have to leave their home to join in.
My Coaching Circles are designed for women who are looking for support and motivation in a certain area of their life. They are eager to make a change but may not necessarily be clear on the direction of that change.
These kind of Circles build self-esteem in multiple ways:
1) the support of the group helps give you the courage and comfort to take small steps toward your change
2) the personal growth work that participants engage in–both in Circle and outside- empowers a confident attitude toward themselves and their life. Issues that come up are seen as challenges and not as problems for example.
3) the actively engagement of Authentic Self living and thus seeing the rewards and benefits that come along allows greater confidence everyday.
This virtual Coaching Circle will only take 5 women. Currently, 2 places remain. The early reg fee is $125 until Wednesday 1/25 and $150 after that date, if there is space. Email Elizabeth at ej@ejohnsonandcompany.com for a Coaching Circle Chart if you’re interested in joining us.
I called a friend last night to express my thanks at being supportive and encouraging to me at a point where I needed a bit of support team build-up. She is a great Authentic Self champion for me. BUT–(“Why does everyone I know have a big but?”) she picked up the phone when she was running late and should have already been out the door–one of my all-time biggest pet peeves when I am calling someone. If you are too busy to pick up the phone, DON’T get it! 
The end result is always annoyance for both parties. I was annoyed because I was trying to share a ‘thank you’ and wasn’t allowed to and she was annoyed because she was already late. There is nothing inherently wrong with letting the phone ring. I often choose to not answer the phone either because I don’t have time for a conversation at that ringing moment or because I know that I won’t be able to pay as close attention to the caller as I want to. If there is a real emergency, people will try and reach you another way (or on another phone) if they can’t get you the first time. Not answering a ringing phone is a kind response--both to yourself and the caller. After all, who wants to talk to someone who really doesn’t have the time or desire to talk to them?
Female Chauvinist Pigs by Ariel Levy was a book that I first came across in mid-2006 where I believe it was reviewed in Psychology Today. The review was favorable, if brief, and I sidemarked the book for future reading. After repeated attempts to inter-library loan FCP, I finally relented and bought it last Fall. Somewhere along the way, I stumbled and put it down for a few months. I picked it up last week. I finished it quickly and almost out of breath. This is good stuff.
Levy contends that so much of the modern sleaze in today’s world perpetrated by young girls and women alike are actually not new feminist acts by a new generation of women stepping into their power but rather a growing disturbing trend which centers on women exploiting themselves and other women in order to one up each other in the only way that they feel like they can…with their bodies. From women competing with themselves for the highest number of sexual partners to CAKE shows or participation in Girls Gone Wild contests, women today are lowering themselves to possibly a point of no-return. In reading the book, I was struck by how powerless the women seemed. They appeared to have validation in their own eyes and through their peers only if they continually compromised themselves by their vacous sexuality. From the woman who was ticking off the sexual partners she had on her imaginary belt to the women who were really into watching strippers, 
almost all of the women and the young girls in the book seemed to glom onto their sexuality as their own way of success, affirmation or validation. And, in order to keep that front of sexual power (which was really controlling them and not the other way around) they needed to continue to debase themselves.
One of the key pieces that I am taking away is that women must have multiple avenues for self-esteem. Even if Susie has had more partners than any woman she knows (or any man for that matter), her entire sense of self cannot be tied up only within her sexuality. That’s a sure fire way to lose whatever self-esteem she has, especially when (and she will) get rejected.
Another key piece is that women need to feel that they have more power and control over their lives and their bodies than they do. Current politics which seek to limit the control that women have over their own body as well as issues as basic as universal healthcare, paid parental leave and female politicians who don’t feel as if they can dress how they really want are all contributing factors to the power and control chasm that exists in the lives of many women.
Of course there are more issues that can be discussed in a book of this caliber. Levy’s book is an eye-opener. Buy it, borrow it, then loan yours to a friend. Get people talking.
The New York Times reports today that there are more women living without a spouse than ever before. All kinds of women make up this new statistic: never married ones; widowers, divorced women, etc. Many women I know from my own work fall into the category of “delighted to be single again”. Frequently, these are women who married young, raised families and are now glad to finally explore their own Authentic Self. Yes, they would like to find a partner who they can have fun with but are also glad to be on their own, free to sleep on the other side of the bed, come home late and not have to make a meal for anyone except themselves.
One of the women in the article says that she was surprised by how happy she was to be on her own, explaining, “That’s not how I grew up…it’s a marriage culture.”.
Indeed it is. Women are encouraged to get married and have kids. So, just taking the risk of staying single will increase self-esteem.
Self-esteem is built by daring to move yourself outside of your comfort zone. The comfort zone can be marriage or a job, whatever. If you want to feel confident almost immediately, take a risk. The risk doesn’t need to be huge or life-changing. It’s the act of taking the risk that is one of the keys to becoming more confident.
Perhaps it is the intriguing cover photo shot of a Granny Smith apple slice with a navel orange center that piqued my interest that day in early December at Scoville Library. I was looking for a book on CD to listen to which would help speed the time by in my many car trips back and forth to New Haven. I never, repeat never, pick-up non-fiction to listen to in the car; it’s simply too distracting. I end up wishing that I was able to take notes and record my thoughts on what I was hearing. So, it must have been the photo that decided it for me. I picked up Freakonomics and headed to check-out.
This book has practically haunted my days ever since. I was riveted from page 1. How is it that a ‘rogue economist’ who ‘explores the hidden side of everything’ has so infiltrated my self-esteem obsessed brain? Well, I’ll tell you. Freakonomics explores a different way of looking at the world by turning conventional wisdom (what we comfortably assume to be true even though it may not be true at all) on its head.
If we can question conventional wisdom by looking at the data in terms of violence and drug dealers living with their parents, then we can do the same with any topic. Freakonomics offers a new way of looking at the world. In short, by challenging readers to look at the commonly accepted in a new way, the Freakonomics approach is remarkably similar to coaching. Coaches challenge clients to look at their situation in a new way, to consider a challenge in a different way. By looking at the old and accepted in a new, upside-down way, we can sometimes see solutions or at the very least options that may not have been immediately visible before. Seeing new options or solutions to challenging problems helps us build self-esteem. Action always leads to the elimination of fear and thus, the building of self-esteem. Take a taste for yourself.
Executive Coaching guru Marshall Goldsmith is at it again. His new book, What Got You Here Won’t Get You There, is due out Tuesday. An excerpt from the book appears in this week’s (1/8) BusinessWeek. The book identifies 20 habits “that rub people the wrong way and tells them how to break them”...likely in the typically blunt and honestly funny that is Marshall’s hallmark. And, because of the no-nonsense, practical nature of his teachings, What Got You Here Won’t Get You There, will likely be a great book for anyone to pick up..regardless of their leadership level.
Here’s a snipit of this from the book which I find absolutely fabulous, “One of my earliest clients spent hours telling me, ‘Marshall, you don’t understand. Let me explain why I have these issues. Let me explain my mother and father.’ It was one long endurable whine. Finally, I reached into my pocket for a coin and said, ‘Here’s a quarter. Call someone who cares.’” And, it isn’t that Marshall is insensitive or cruel, rather he advocates letting go of the past so one can move effectively toward the future. And, sometimes, it takes being blunt to get your message across. One of the ways that self-esteem can be built is by taking risks.
One of my Power of Three committments this year is to work more on this cut-to-the-quick approach with my own clients, instead of letting them rant. Marshall’s new book will prove good inspiration for me. Mine is pre-ordered at Amazon; what about you?
The New York Times reported recently one group of women has stopped making progress in closing the wage gap between men and women; that group is women with a college education. 
The gap between their pay and that of their male conterparts has actually grown slightly instead of declining, since the mid-1990’s. The reasons for this appear to be, in part at least, choice. More college-educated moms are choosing to stay home with their children when they might be in the workforce earning high-paying jobs. Additionally women tend to consider money less of a top priority than men do. Women are tending to value other aspects of ctheir career as more important than simply making top dollar. Reasons given by women often include the opportunity for flex-time; options for extended leave for personal or career reasons; the likelihood of personal satisfaction to be gained from the work that they do, etc.
In my own work, I often see women doing part-time work instead of pursuing the full-blown career so they can have the flexability that they desire for their family or for themselves. Between 1997-2006 the number of women-owned firms has increased 42% according to the Center for Women’s Business Research, a non-profit firm that tracks such numbers.
So, is the pay gap between college-educated men and women worrisome? It is worrisome in the sense that the gap creates a greater divide to breach for women who don’t have the option and/or desire to either a) stay home or b) start their own business. This gap will most affect lower income women, especially single moms. But, from another perspective, it isn’t worrisome because nationally we are seeing more and more women (not all women of course) make choices that feel right for their Authentic Self. 
When faced with an option of sticking in there for the money, we are seeing some women say ‘no’ to that temptation and instead opt for work (or a break) that has more meaning for them. And, that’s certainly something to cheer.