In the not-so-recent past, taking care of yourself carried a selfish quality to it. No woman wanted to be seen being too good to herself, for fear of being deemed ’selfish’ or ‘greedy’. So, I had good reason to like the short highlight in Women’s Health magazine’s January/February issue called “Look Out for Number One”.
There were six examples of when WH staffers had acted selfishly (quitting a bad job and taking a month off to recoup; skipping a sister’s birthday bash in order to relax before her wedding; ditching an ex-boyfriend’s wedding, rather than go dateless). ‘Good selfish’ because the woman taking the action is doing something for her Authentic Self. 
Always a good thing even if it takes you away, temporarily, from someone else and their needs.Taking care of Number 1 means that you are allowing yourself to to re-charge so that you might be able to take care of someone else later on. You are giving yourself a break. The energy that you glean from that break will serve you and others in your life long-term. ‘Good selfish’ is a great thing. Gift yourself some good selfish moments as often as you can and notice the impact on your energy level as well as your own happiness.
Peggy Orenstein’s article in the Sunday NYT magazine called ‘What’s Wrong with Cinderella?’ examines the popularity of the princess among young girls. Orenstein, the author of Schoolgirls and also Flux, has a young daughter who, like many young girls, is enchanted with the plethora of princess gear, toys, apparel and more that she sees everywhere. At her daughter’s prompting (’What’s wrong with princesses?’) takes an in-depth look at the princess phenomena and what the effect the obsession might have on.
One of the comments that strikes me as the single most important point of the article comes from Dr. Lyn Mikel Brown, author with Dr. Sharon Lamb, of Packaging Girlhood: Rescuing Our Daughters from Marketers’ Schemes. Brown says, “Playing princess is not the issue, the issue is the 25,000 Princess products. When one thing is so dominant, then it’s no longer a choice: it’s a mandate, cannibalizing all other forms of play.” There is nothing inherently wrong with princess but when princess is everyone, girl’s choices become too limited. And, what kind of woman does the princess playing girl transform into? Orenstein says that while, “there are no direct studies proving that playing princess directly damages girls’ self-esteem….there is evidence that young women who hold the most conventionally feminine beliefs-who avoid conflict and think they should be perpetually nice and pretty-are more likely to be depressed.” In my own work, I have found this to be true. The women who stifle their feelings, believe that they must please everyone else before themselves, and pirze their prefectionist tendencies as a good thing are more likely be to suffer from low self-esteem, have lost touch with their Authentic Self and be on a medication to treat their depression.
The key here is choice. Girls and women must have choices in order to fully be satisfied and happy in their lives. If there is no option for a Halloween costume other than a Cinderella gown and cape or no other bedding choices other than scenes of Ariel
swimming in an ocean toward a more vocal future with her prince, then we have a problem. Our girls have a problem which means that chances are good that they will grow into women with problems. Choice empowers while a lack of choice limits. Help encourage choice by using the power of your own voice and actions to always make decisions which honor your Authentic Self. With that power, you can be Queen of your own world for life. Cape, crown and gown optional.
I have had an issue with the TV show, Ugly Betty, since it debuted this fall on ABC’s Thursday line-up. Yes, the show seemingly has a wonderful message: real beauty is only skin deep. But the fact that the show needs to use such a nasty pejorative as “ugly” to describe the lead female character nullifies any good that the writers can offer audiences through their portrayal of Betty as a “sweet, intelligent and hard-working”. And, now, according to USA Today, “ugly is the new beautiful” and the popularity of Ugly Betty 
is the reason. ABC has apparently decided to launch a public service campaign (can you say Dove knock-off?) called “Be Ugly 07″. Its message is intended to help young girls be true to themselves. Does this strike anyone else as completely counter-intuitive? The message to young girls is to be true to yourself by being ugly? Yikes.
Apparently I am not the only one who feels this way. Joyce Roche of Girls Inc., although behind the campaign, admits, “We hope that people go beyond the headline of ugly. I wish there could have been another way of saying it, but at least it will get the dialogue going.” I’d like to think that by supporting this campaign, experts like Roche are encouraging girls to step into their power by using the word ‘ugly’ as a way to turn its negative image into something powerful and personal that they can own. Similar to what Eve Ensler had originally intended with The Vagina Monologues, perhaps. There’s a difference, however. While the word ‘vagina’ might have been scary to say pre-Ensler, the word ‘ugly’ is not scary, it is degrading. Shouldn’t we be making more attempts to promote authentic beauty as an alternative to physical perfection instead of promoting ugly to young girls? While Dove’s campaign (which promotes healthy self-esteem building) might not be perfect and is certainly financially motivated, at least their message is a good one. I can’t say the same for ABC’s.
One of the ways that women demean themselves on a regular basis is by using language to talk about themselves or their bodies that is inappropriate or incorrect. For example, it really annoys me when women who consider themselves to be feminists, use the words “boobs” to describe breasts, their own or someone else’s. 
The word ‘boobs’ is as bad as other slang, derogatory body language like p****, or the evil “c” word. Stand in the power that you do have, even if you don’t feel like you have very much, by using the correct language. Using slang or derogatory language lowers your self-esteem because you are showing a lack of regard for your body and/or Authentic Self. It can be hard to use the right language because as a culture, we tend to view the body in a repressive way, not in an open-minded way that respects the body. But, we really must push ourselves out of our comfort zone to take a risk to use the right language. When we do so we become more confident and are truer to our Authentic Self in the process.
Over the past two months, I have had a number of customer service related issues both in my business and in my personal life. One company in particular treated me as a customer so poorly, I was shocked into disbelief. They were disagreeable, wouldn’t admit that they could possibly be in the wrong and treated me as if I were an inconvenience. Needless to say, I won’t be back. BTW-if you are a crafter of any kind, I’d advise against calling the UMX Fashion Supplies Company in So. California. Just walk the other way. Really.
As a business owner who prides herself on extreme customer service, I had forgotten how disposable customers are to many companies. And, frustrating as this is, sometimes (even if you are the person who has been totally screwed) you just need to let go.
The anger and powerless that you feel after you have been treated poorly won’t go away if you continue to battle. Knowing that you have been wronged is bad enough. But continuing to dwell in the pool of negativity that engulfs you won’t ever allow you to move on healthily. I needed to let my battle with the evil company go. Yes, I lost money and time and energy. But I knew that I would lose even more time and energy if I continued to battle. Time and energy are precious to me; I want more not less! Once I let this go, the anger and powerlessness almost immediately abated. I have moved on. Closure is nice but not always attainable. So, if you can’t come to a happy compromise, consider moving on so you can get on with your own life. And spend time and energy on things that you actually enjoy. Imagine!
Before you ask…yes; I do read a healthy stack of magazines each month. I am often asked how I make it through them all; I subscribe to at least 9 very different magazines. Well, the secret is to set yourself up for success and not attack the magazine with the intention of reading it all cover-to-cover. Read for the pieces that are relevant to your personal life or your business/clients. Tackle only what matters to your Authentic Self. Skip the rest. It’s not worth your time.
That said, I was hesitant to pick up another magazine because I feel like my choices really cover my Authentic Self pretty well already. So when a client mentioned Body & Soul to me, I hesitated briefly. Then I remembered how much I enjoy life coach Cheryl Richardson’s work and that she has a monthly article in Body & Soul. I took the client’s already read copy of B&S and dove in. Right off the bat, I was impressed. I was whipping out pages left and right in the December 2006 issue!
One of the more noteworthy articles (although there really were quite a few) is Beyond Small Talk by Associate Editor Terri Trespicio. It’s a great article about the difficulty of opening up to new people, how we hide behind small talk but when we make the decision to open up, we are able to connect in a much more authentic way. The simple, bulleted messages are good ones: Put up your friend antenna; take risks; assume the burden; give away free information; learn to be a receiver; manage expectations. The message of the article is a positive and upbeat one with strong resources to support the theme of the article. Also note the beautiful illustration by my artist friend Beth Adams which is featured in the article.
The awkwardness of getting to know new people, 
especially when it comes to finding/looking for new friends, is a challenge that comes up often in Uncommon Confidence and in the Coaching Circles that I facilitate. Trespicio’s article offers some great thoughts on getting past this challenge and into the reward of a new relationship.
PINK magazine always features an in-depth look at the day of a well-known woman. Last month, PINK magazine looked at Mireille Guiliano and for December: Candace Bushnell author of Sex and the City. Her day features some great nuggets that the rest of us can incorporate into our own life.
What Candace does:
Spends most of the day writing…8-2ish pm from the looks of it. She says, “If I am writing a book, I’ll go straight to my computer. If I don’t get started right away, I lose that morning energy, so I try not to get distracted.”
How this can work for you:
Take at least the morning, when many of us tend to be at our most creative, to work on the harder projects that you need to accomplish first. That may be your own work, instead of work for a client. Save the mindless tasks until the afternoon when you might be feeling restless anyway.
What Candace does:
She calls a girlfriend when she’s stressed out. Candace says, “I can be a little over the top with them.”
How this can work for you:
Always, always enlist a support team person when you’re feeling stressed out, or even just need to blow off a little steam. The other person ideally lets you be a little crazy all the while supporting you as you need to be supported.
What Candace does:
She tells PINK that she believes that most working women don’t -but should be able to-talk about how they enjoy their achievements. But she says, “Be proud and unafraid to say that it’s what keeps you going and gives you self-esteem.”
How this can work for you:
Tooting your own horn about what you have done well and how it has made you feel will always raise your self-esteem. You are acknowledging your value while at the same time affirming your place in the world. Share a success with a support team gal first in order to gain more comfort in talking about it. Then, push yourself a little to talk with more people about your achievements.
